I just couldn't take it...

I tried to go to church today. I really did. I got up, showered, dressed... i even got there. I talked with people. I ate the (wonderful) strawberry and blueberry muffins my sunday school teacher made. But that wasn't all that happened. First, some ladies i was talking to made reference to the clothes that some people have started wearing (jeans? shorts? t-shirts in the presence of God? no!) and i made one of the weaker arguments..."it's our hearts anyways, right?" and one of the ladies said, "oh, i suppose they should do it while they can... high school and college i mean. Because they won't be doing that once they really understand and live life a little bit!" WHAT? Okay, okay, maybe life does straighten you out and make you a bit more serious. "Well, who knows" said i. "It's my generation that's coming up next. Perhaps we'll just do things differently. Perhaps the church will change." (this was me entering my dreamy world, desiring for the church to return to the gospel and the love of Christ, not really expecting a response). But i got a response anyway... "well, i think your generation will change, and the church will be the way it is now, the way it's always been, the way it should be!"
OUCH! auh! my poor, progressive, idealistic mind crumpled in pain.
But somehow i survived, and actually enjoyed the sunday school lesson. I was of course, fuming about the state of the church, the legalism of believers, their inability to accept my "new, true ideas" (note i was thinking they were mine. or even new. First error...) We were talking about Jonah, and i was listening and thinking at the same time, so much of the lesson escaped me. But one thing the teacher said caught my attention. No, it wasn't straight out of a passage in scripture. But it challenged me. "What is it that you are not willing to do?"
Yet i still left immediately after sunday school. I was still frustrated. I knew it would get worse if i stayed. I had to get out. I had to take to heart the one sentence that had actually challenged me before i was too angry to remember it. I had to think.
I have been unwilling to give of myself. I tried, it was rejected, i take it to heart and say, "fine, if you don't want me, i'm gone". I was not willing to give up my pride and work in the church anyway. Maybe they're not listening. But they're not supposed to listen to me... but to God. Am i listening to God? I know it's not wrong for me to long for a church and ministry in which i am understood and i enjoy. But do i have any excuse not to serve God precisely where i am? no, i do not.