honestly

I get tired of hearing all the frenzy about terrorism, homicide, etc. Especially when no one i know has ever died of such a thing... but oh well. "Enjoy" the picture.

The dirty little secrets on how to deal with family....

I was speaking to a good friend the other day...who just happens to be a few years older than me and the mother of one of my best friends... about a certain type of relational conflict that is often hard to deal with- it's crazy how we don't see on the same level as the people who raised us! So i wasn't going terribly deep or sharing all my dirty secrets, though i do trust my friend, but i simply expressed the hurt that was on my heart due to the communication difficulties. Since her daughter recently became engaged, i knew that she'd had to see her relationship with her daughter change and some conflict had been involved. She gave me a few key pieces of advice:
1) your parents are not looking for control, but for relevance in your life.
This was almost news to me. Because it seemed at times like they really do want control. She gently explained to me that she as a mother really didnt want to run her kid's life...she wanted her to do it on her own, but she wanted to know that she was still relevant in a couple of ways:
1.1) her daughter still made decisions with her in mind and
1.2) her daughter still involved her, even to a small extent, in some of her major decisons
2) your parents expectations of you, your personality, and your relationship with them may be too high
Crazy, because this is something Mark and i have been talking a lot about. Expectations can kill. With them around, i often do not have a true view of reality, and i cannot respond to the world around me correctly, and i will hurt those around me. What, expectations can hurt my parents-of-steel as well?
2.1) give them a new reality of who you are, what you want, and what they can expect from you
2.2) be gracious with them as they begin to learn again who you are, that the you they knew back from childhood is not around anymore-who you are now is not different, but just the maturation and the stronger counterpart of that
3) let your parents get to know you outside of the house
Again, this had never really occured to me. My family only knows me in the context of my home and the places they take me. I need to invite them into the things i love to do.
3.1) practically-take one/both of them downtown, show them the art galleries and coffee houses that you frequent
3.2) explain why you like and do the things you are showing them. (this will also help in point #2).

Big thanks to my wise friend... i hope her advice is helpful to others as well!

I just couldn't take it...

I tried to go to church today. I really did. I got up, showered, dressed... i even got there. I talked with people. I ate the (wonderful) strawberry and blueberry muffins my sunday school teacher made. But that wasn't all that happened. First, some ladies i was talking to made reference to the clothes that some people have started wearing (jeans? shorts? t-shirts in the presence of God? no!) and i made one of the weaker arguments..."it's our hearts anyways, right?" and one of the ladies said, "oh, i suppose they should do it while they can... high school and college i mean. Because they won't be doing that once they really understand and live life a little bit!" WHAT? Okay, okay, maybe life does straighten you out and make you a bit more serious. "Well, who knows" said i. "It's my generation that's coming up next. Perhaps we'll just do things differently. Perhaps the church will change." (this was me entering my dreamy world, desiring for the church to return to the gospel and the love of Christ, not really expecting a response). But i got a response anyway... "well, i think your generation will change, and the church will be the way it is now, the way it's always been, the way it should be!"
OUCH! auh! my poor, progressive, idealistic mind crumpled in pain.
But somehow i survived, and actually enjoyed the sunday school lesson. I was of course, fuming about the state of the church, the legalism of believers, their inability to accept my "new, true ideas" (note i was thinking they were mine. or even new. First error...) We were talking about Jonah, and i was listening and thinking at the same time, so much of the lesson escaped me. But one thing the teacher said caught my attention. No, it wasn't straight out of a passage in scripture. But it challenged me. "What is it that you are not willing to do?"
Yet i still left immediately after sunday school. I was still frustrated. I knew it would get worse if i stayed. I had to get out. I had to take to heart the one sentence that had actually challenged me before i was too angry to remember it. I had to think.
I have been unwilling to give of myself. I tried, it was rejected, i take it to heart and say, "fine, if you don't want me, i'm gone". I was not willing to give up my pride and work in the church anyway. Maybe they're not listening. But they're not supposed to listen to me... but to God. Am i listening to God? I know it's not wrong for me to long for a church and ministry in which i am understood and i enjoy. But do i have any excuse not to serve God precisely where i am? no, i do not.

What's happening to me?

What is happening to me? I used to be so diligent. I'd have all the paper's written weeks ahead of time. I'd start studying for the tests two weeks early. I'd be SO on top of things.
But now? I'd rather procrastinate to the last second. I'm so bored most of the time... and i'd rather do fun things than sit and do work. Heck, I'd rather sleep than do some of this homework.
I think I remember this happening in my last year of high school. Since this is my last year at university, I shouldn't be surprised. But i wonder if my priorities have changed. Schoolwork used to be EVERYTHING. Now it's a drudgery. And i dunno if this is good or bad. I do want to enjoy my work, but not at the expense of "having a life". I want to honor God through my work by doing my best, but my heart is no longer in it. Well, at least i'll graduate in 11 months. But until then...how to make work more enjoyable? Or to deal with it better? Or discipline myself? I'm open to suggestions. Okay. Now to write a paper. Nah. I'll eat lunch first...