The dirty little secrets on how to deal with family....

I was speaking to a good friend the other day...who just happens to be a few years older than me and the mother of one of my best friends... about a certain type of relational conflict that is often hard to deal with- it's crazy how we don't see on the same level as the people who raised us! So i wasn't going terribly deep or sharing all my dirty secrets, though i do trust my friend, but i simply expressed the hurt that was on my heart due to the communication difficulties. Since her daughter recently became engaged, i knew that she'd had to see her relationship with her daughter change and some conflict had been involved. She gave me a few key pieces of advice:
1) your parents are not looking for control, but for relevance in your life.
This was almost news to me. Because it seemed at times like they really do want control. She gently explained to me that she as a mother really didnt want to run her kid's life...she wanted her to do it on her own, but she wanted to know that she was still relevant in a couple of ways:
1.1) her daughter still made decisions with her in mind and
1.2) her daughter still involved her, even to a small extent, in some of her major decisons
2) your parents expectations of you, your personality, and your relationship with them may be too high
Crazy, because this is something Mark and i have been talking a lot about. Expectations can kill. With them around, i often do not have a true view of reality, and i cannot respond to the world around me correctly, and i will hurt those around me. What, expectations can hurt my parents-of-steel as well?
2.1) give them a new reality of who you are, what you want, and what they can expect from you
2.2) be gracious with them as they begin to learn again who you are, that the you they knew back from childhood is not around anymore-who you are now is not different, but just the maturation and the stronger counterpart of that
3) let your parents get to know you outside of the house
Again, this had never really occured to me. My family only knows me in the context of my home and the places they take me. I need to invite them into the things i love to do.
3.1) practically-take one/both of them downtown, show them the art galleries and coffee houses that you frequent
3.2) explain why you like and do the things you are showing them. (this will also help in point #2).

Big thanks to my wise friend... i hope her advice is helpful to others as well!