Dear Carmen...

Maybe i should run a dear-abby type column. Okay, maybe not, that would get old, but sometimes i get a little carried away. I had a recent facebook conversation with a friend:
Her on my wall: Have you read Boy meets Girl?
Me on her wall: Yes i have read it.
Her on my wall: What did you think?
okay, broad question that will require more than a wall to fix. and i think it might be good to make available to more folks to read. (disclaimer: the dating nazi may have struck again.)
hey friend,
that's a pretty hard question to answer, first because there's a lot to say and second because it's been a long time since i've read it. did you have anything specific in mind? First, i will say that there's nothing wrong with what Joshua Harris (the authour) is proposing. If you follow his directions, there really is nothing wrong with dating that way. However, i think people get caught up in the emotions of his view of a perfect and pure romance and start looking to the book and to morality-NOT TO GOD- to make decisions from and solve all their problems. so 1) there's nothing inherently wrong with his model, but 2)god may have something different in mind for you. he's THE creative one! You know i'm not convinced that courting is any better than dating or that there's even a real difference, but I do think as a generation and as a church we have gone a little too far on this. We are paranoid that we are going to miss the ONE PERFECT PERSON that God has for us and we base our whole lives and all our choices and all our fear on that. THAT'S WRONG. We have forgotten that 1) singleness is a gift from god. it is not something to seek to be rid of. it is something deserving contentment in and of itself. 2)if we live our lives each and every day in obedience to Christ, he will guide and direct us! he knows the plans he has for us, and that includes his plans for our relationships.
So look to god, not books for answers. anything you read, screen it through scripture and what you know about god and his character. and if you really dont think you know much at all about god and his character and what he thinks about you, then don't even be worrying about dating and all this messy stuff until you know god and who he says you are.

if i'm too preachy or if you have specific questions, please ask...you know i dont mind!
I have more thoughts...there could be more on this later....

The dirty little secrets on how to deal with family....

I was speaking to a good friend the other day...who just happens to be a few years older than me and the mother of one of my best friends... about a certain type of relational conflict that is often hard to deal with- it's crazy how we don't see on the same level as the people who raised us! So i wasn't going terribly deep or sharing all my dirty secrets, though i do trust my friend, but i simply expressed the hurt that was on my heart due to the communication difficulties. Since her daughter recently became engaged, i knew that she'd had to see her relationship with her daughter change and some conflict had been involved. She gave me a few key pieces of advice:
1) your parents are not looking for control, but for relevance in your life.
This was almost news to me. Because it seemed at times like they really do want control. She gently explained to me that she as a mother really didnt want to run her kid's life...she wanted her to do it on her own, but she wanted to know that she was still relevant in a couple of ways:
1.1) her daughter still made decisions with her in mind and
1.2) her daughter still involved her, even to a small extent, in some of her major decisons
2) your parents expectations of you, your personality, and your relationship with them may be too high
Crazy, because this is something Mark and i have been talking a lot about. Expectations can kill. With them around, i often do not have a true view of reality, and i cannot respond to the world around me correctly, and i will hurt those around me. What, expectations can hurt my parents-of-steel as well?
2.1) give them a new reality of who you are, what you want, and what they can expect from you
2.2) be gracious with them as they begin to learn again who you are, that the you they knew back from childhood is not around anymore-who you are now is not different, but just the maturation and the stronger counterpart of that
3) let your parents get to know you outside of the house
Again, this had never really occured to me. My family only knows me in the context of my home and the places they take me. I need to invite them into the things i love to do.
3.1) practically-take one/both of them downtown, show them the art galleries and coffee houses that you frequent
3.2) explain why you like and do the things you are showing them. (this will also help in point #2).

Big thanks to my wise friend... i hope her advice is helpful to others as well!