The Tale of a Restless Soul

Moving

2010-08-22T13:53:00.003-05:00

I finally decided it's time to move. Yes, the blog is not ending, fear not, but moving. From now on, you can find me over here, which is mark's custom-made website and blog. This'll be a little easier for everybody to keep in touch with the both of us. I am trying to get him to make it a little prettier :). We'll see. Anyhow, here's a little orientation to the new website: food- we love it and cook a lot of it, and aren't afraid to spread the love and recipes around, I do most of the posts here. Home-little house and random bits that's mostly of Mark's life-efficiency dreams. Ideas-this is the dangerous page. If my crazy ideas have offended anyone in the past, then just don't click here. It's safer that way. Instead, just click on Life- which is where we'll share wonderful updates and pictures on whatever happens. Then there's Tech-again, that's Mark. I just mostly ignore that part.
So we clear? want to hear what's going on? Life. want to hear my (or now Mark's) crazy thoughts and rants? Ideas (remember, dangerous, i warned you). Food-yeah, everybody, click on that, because what would the world be without food?
Ok, see you over at the new place. Feel free to leave housewarming gifts of comments.

Italian tonight!

2010-08-21T20:36:00.001-05:00

More recipes from my kitchen.

Poulet a la moutard

2010-05-01T19:34:00.002-05:00

Chicken with Dijon Mustard. Bon apetit!

Easter

2010-04-02T10:18:00.002-05:00

here's an article (just like i did for christmas, i guess!). Happy Easter.

Political Angst

2010-03-23T20:47:00.003-05:00

Well for those of you who don't know it's been an interesting few days over here in the states. Heathcare reform bill has passed, like it or not, and I for one have heard some pretty inflammatory and misinformed remarks. Instead of subjecting you to my opinion on the topic, I'd just like to post this article that I found which i think speaks humbly and concisely on some things that i've been seeing lately.

hm...

2010-03-16T13:18:00.001-05:00

too true. but i laughed.

Here's an article for ya...

2010-03-11T11:04:00.000-05:00

caring for the poor

Oregano Chicken and Couscous Risotto

2010-03-10T20:32:00.000-05:00

Delicious food. Over here.

Food Blogging

2010-03-08T14:23:00.002-05:00

In case you missed me, my writing energies have lately been focused on food blogging. You can see what we eat for dinner over here.

Trash

2010-02-17T17:16:00.002-05:00

Interesting social and environmental piece. I hate plastic now.
Garbage Island
I recommend part 3 if you don't have the whole hour (like me) to watch the whole thing.
Also, the guys at VBS.tv who made this documentary and other things like it have a really interesting, non-polished open approach to journalism. I kinda like it. Their North Korea episode is pretty interesting too. Yes there is mature vocabulary. You've been warned.

honestly

2010-02-13T20:01:00.003-05:00

I get tired of hearing all the frenzy about terrorism, homicide, etc. Especially when no one i know has ever died of such a thing... but oh well. "Enjoy" the picture.

clever award

2010-02-06T10:40:00.002-05:00

Mark wins the clever award for the day for this post.
I must say though that he did hear about the crazy newscasters from me. I was subjected to their panic-mongering by going out in public- waiting for my car to be repaired in the shop. At least i tried to amuse myself by striking up a conversation with the girl next to me about the logical fallacy of argument from authority...

return of the crazy ideas

2010-02-04T22:05:00.004-05:00

Let's just say strange things have happened lately. This has been a busy and strange week, and though i am more worn out than i have been for a long time, i feel as though i have awakened from a very deep sleep. (but perhaps the exhaustion may be blamed on my preparation for the cardiology exam...)
First, i complained to my husband how jealous i am that he gets to think and write (those philosophy students...) creatively, and i am often stuck in a box of logical thoughts, within parameters that cannot be broken, with very real and stressful demands. I suppose this will only get worse next year as i enter the clinical half of medical school. I'm not sure how i will react to people dying if i don't get things right.
At any rate, i suppose i remembered how much i like to think. Then i started listening to podcasts on logical arguments (seems my philosophy classes were too long ago to remember it all). Then it seemed people started to ask questions, and i loved being around to talk, debate.
Some classmates even remarked how glad they were to be able to debate and learn from each other something that wasn't related to medicine- i know i was; we are all so tired of it at times.
Then some people compelled me to look back to this poor neglected blog. First i must say i had to laugh at some of the things i have written in years past. I really feel - and even act- like a very different person. But i suppose time and experience will do that. I'm sort of embarrased of a few of the things i've posted, but i'll leave them as a testament to change. Others, however, should have been more. I've been afraid of offending and pushing too far. But for those who may be offended or alarmed, i will remind you that this is simply an experiment meant to air out my crazy ideas and get responses.
Thus i will try to write more. I will try to think more, i may even try to shock you a little bit.
So i shall end this little rant with a tribute to those who are the forefront of free speech. Here's a blog i've followed for a little while on and off. You can easily change it to english if you're not familiar with spanish.
Generacion Y

For Christmas

2009-12-24T16:31:00.001-05:00

Mary said, "My soul exalts the Lord,47and my spirit has begun to rejoice in God my Savior,48for he has looked upon the humble state of his servant. For from now on all generations will call me blessed,49for he who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is his name;50from generation to generation he is merciful to those who fear him.51He has demonstrated power with his arm; he has scattered those whose pride wells up from the sheer arrogance of their hearts.52He has brought down the mighty from their thrones, and has lifted up those of lowly position;53he has filled the hungry with good things, and has sent the rich away empty.54He has helped his servant Israel, remembering his mercy,55as he promised to our ancestors, to Abraham and to his descendants forever."
From Luke Ch. 1.
Also another good/thought-provoking christmas read found here

i cook sometimes.

2009-12-05T19:39:00.003-05:00

Yeah, so i know i used to publish a lot of profound thoughts on here. Well maybe not but they were new to me. However, my schedule now doesn't always permit such things. However, my schedule does seem to permit, and even require, some cooking. So i thought perhaps i'd share some of my foodie tendencies here.
Also, some of you may have been wondering how my "mostly-veg" diet was going. I must say i am still eating meat, though only once a day with dinner. I've definitely held to my resolution to eat well. That resolution, fortunately, has let to some rather fun cooking experiences. Alright so on to goodness.
Tonight's dinner:
-Herb Encrusted Salmon
-Buttered Green Beans
-Garlic Mashed Red Potatoes
So for the salmon, i just mixed in some thyme, garlic salt, dill, and ground pepper with some all-purpose flour, and coated the salmon with it. Then it was sauteed on low in a olive-oil filled pan, with a dash of pinot grigio. Turned out nice crispy and lovely.
Potatoes- just cut em up and boil them. Add garlic (salt), heavy cream, butter, and voila.
Green beans are the easiest. Just boil some fresh green beans for 10 minutes, drain and stir in some butter and salt.
I must say that the wine i cooked the salmon in, Turning Leaf's Pinot Grigio was quite nice, added a wonderful touch to the dinner. I had to go get more potatoes so i could finish up the wine.
I wish i'd taken pictures, it actually looked quite gourmet, i must say.

Yeah, I was there.

2009-10-12T14:12:00.002-05:00

U2 concert Raleigh. Talk about checking off a life-goal. It was awesome. They sang my fave- "still haven't found what i'm looking for". I might have gotten a little teary.

OH yeah

2009-09-18T22:08:00.001-05:00

I meant to post this earlier.
Go here for pictures.
http://www.donnanphotography.com/wedding/recap-carmen-mark/

Day 2

2009-07-26T09:02:00.003-05:00

So i'm a bit amused by all the attention yesterdays post gathered on facebook. And i think perhaps i should restate my goals a bit- this isn't about starving- i don't need to starve, i'm on the thin side, it's not about restricting- it's about living healthier, reducing waste, and cooking more creatively. I'd like to make veggies a more integral part of our diet- get away from the traditional "meat as centerpiece of the meal".
So day 2.
Slept late- blueberry pancakes
Since i slept late- made habanero salsa for lunch, then Mark made me a pinapple mango smoothie. perfect
Seared flank steak marinated in sherry, garlic and pepper, with broccoli and carrot paella.
+why i'm only giving up a little bit of meat.
+the paella was awesome. saffron rocks like that.

Veg diaries day 1

2009-07-25T10:35:00.002-05:00

Recently I've considered becoming vegetarian. One, because I want to eat more healthily. Two, because I eat too much. I eat like 3 times more a day than people in the rest of the world. That can't be good over the course of a lifetime. Third, because my jeans are getting tight. No good. Four- meat just isn't that appealing to me. Five- meat gets expensive. So I think my goal will be to eat a more moderate, mostly vegetarian diet. Now I love food. This is going to be tough. In fact I'm planning on eating steak for dinner. But since I already bought it I don't want to be wasteful. I'll just let my husband eat most of it!
Day 1: Bagel and milk for breakfast. Gotta get that protein in there.
Peach for lunch. Yes one huge peach from the new grocery store downtown.
Slice of Veggie pizza for dinner.
see, that wasn't so bad.

I think this whole veg thing comes from my recent frustration with just how wasteful I can be. I've got too much stuff. All those clothes I never wear, all that food I buy too much of and never eat, all this junk cluttering my desk and I'm not sure why or how it got there.
So, here's to a starting a more moderate, less cluttered lifestlye.
Now to eat plantains for lunch and clean out my closet.

"the I which is not i"

2009-07-08T21:53:00.001-05:00

"the I which is not i"

i feel much smaller than the I.
the I is straight, it is tall, it is defined, it is unified
it knows what it is and why it stands
it is a skyscraper of defiance
it makes a statement and a point
yet me inside is not ready or worthy of a capital
i am disjointed
i am small
i feel much less than tall
why does english demand we use the I,
the I which is not i?

Wedding

2009-07-05T20:58:00.003-05:00

So the wedding went on...but not as planned. It was supposed to be outside, in a lovely wild field. But alas the winds and rain of fate said it was not to be, thus the back-up plan was crazily instituted and executed within a matter of 24 hours. We tried to build "a forest inside" complete with an 8 foot tall japanese maple tree- which is now planted at the farm as a memory.
We really had a great time with everybody, and a lot of people asked us where we got our vows. We actually wrote them... borrowing a few things from here and there to create what we really wanted to say to each other. I was especially pleased that one friend later noted that they weren't of the "silly cheesy sort that most self-written vows usually turn out to be". So here they are. Just let me know if you decide to use them, k? :)

Before God who has given us the gift of love,
and asking for His power and grace
to keep the promises we now make,
I join with you in the covenant of marriage.

I promise to provide for and support you;
To strive with you to acquire faith, knowledge, harmony, and happiness
by mutual love, respect, and understanding.

I promise to be true, faithful, and loyal to only you,
to show life-giving love to you,
to share all that I have with you,
to daily make sacrifices for you,
to learn to forgive you as God has forgiven us,
to give all that I am to you,
and be your lifelong companion.

I promise to live with you in peace,
to abide in the will of God,
to cherish and protect our relationship whether in good fortune or adversity,
and to seek with you a full life of faith,
and follow with you wherever God leads us,
as long as we live.

I give you this ring
as a public and clear declaration
of our commitment to each other,
as a reminder to me, to you,
and the rest of the world
of this day and its continual importance.

For Christ there is one bride,
and for man, there is but one wife.
The trinity is never alone, but in perfect accord;
by His model in truth and love
and in His help for this life,
we will display the same.

I almost cried.

2009-04-28T14:12:00.002-05:00

Love stuff like this. Good voices, good music, people working together, etc all that.
Listen here

how love wears you out.. so poetically

2009-04-13T12:11:00.000-05:00

"On Love" by Khalil Gibran in The Prophet

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise on your lips.

what is real

2009-04-13T11:40:00.001-05:00

Google search for "wedding readings" turns up some interesting things... but I found this, from one of my favorite stories as a young child.

From "The Velveteen Rabbit" by Margery Williams
"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

Not sure i like where this is going....

2009-02-13T08:56:00.004-05:00

if you can't see it right it's here too
http://14.media.tumblr.com/pb5By8UAZjmhjmykFzimZr91o1_500.jpg

How it happened

2009-01-05T22:22:00.004-05:00

Yes the news is out.. i am in fact engaged to the most wonderful and fun (and potentially intelligent) person in the world. Yes really. And i thought i should take a break from my hectic med-school schedule to tell you how it happened.
1)Went to Oklahoma City to meet Mark's sister, bro-in-law and their two cute little kids. Mark had told me we were doing something special for New Year's Eve.
2)Pack up everything the morning of Dec. 31st. Head to airport.
3)Where are you taking me???
4)What? Are we going to New York City?
5)Land in the snow on long island and head to Times Square for the new year celebration
6)Chicken out due to the near-zero farenheit temperatures. Head to a restaurant where we were given free champagne at midnight.
7)Next day- go to the museum of modern art!
8)Awesome dinner at Oeste!
9)Bowery poetry club. Best stuff ever- could have stayed for all ten hours.
10)Rockefeller center- top of the Rock. Mark sang me "Beautiful" by Plankeye, then said "will you be my wife and wear this ring?"
-Yes i will!
-pics later

2 for 1 special

2008-11-05T23:40:00.003-05:00

How special 2 blog posts in one day. I must really be avoiding studying. Maybe not. I thought maybe a little update on my life would be helpful... because i know you're not just interested in what i think but what i'm doing. Maybe.
The semester is winding down and finals are upon us before a fortnight is up. However we begin next semester's material before the let us escape for a short christmas break. I'd like to say it's not all studying... and it's not ALL...just MOSTLY. I have gotten to know Augusta and have hit some neat restaurants and become slightly familiar with the local music scene.
Went to the mountains a couple of weekends ago, hiked about 5 miles. That was a nice outing... made me realize i'm getting a wee bit out of shape.
The most "crazy" thing i suppose is the lack of sleep. 6 hours is a great night's rest recently, and i only nap when concerned non-medical friends make me do so.
But it's not as bad as the 4-hour-a-night schedule i decided to keep up a few weeks back. It actually worked, i got an A on the test, but was brutal. The schedule i chose was "polyphasic" which sounds weird but is actually just a multi-phase sleep cycle, meaning sleep 4 hours at night and 2 half hour naps during the day. But it's hard to sleep in the library, even if a friend loans you his cubicle and camping mattress for a bit. But like i said, finals are coming so we may see this hectic schedule reemerge.
Also, thinking about applying for a research and teaching job this summer.
Woot.
Now to sleep for 6 hours.

Upon a new day

2008-11-05T16:23:00.002-05:00

Thank goodness the elections are over. Too much tension on both sides for me to handle it much longer. And i think we'll be alright.
The worst part though (which may kill me yet...) is seeing all the negative and misled reactions on facebook. There is so much i could say. i'll explain a little. My hometown and church are quite conservative, and that's okay. I myself am more moderate politically, i suppose. Now, what i hear and see from some of my friends from similar or same background is "he's going to kill us all, what a horrible decision how could you idiots elect Obama?" Or make silly comments about his policies. But they haven't read it, which they'll admit to ("No i haven't read it but it's wrong, i don't need to read that stuff..."). You know i really can't put up with ignorance and i make a point of being informed, so that's quite a pet peeve of mine if nothing else.
Whatever. That's background in case you aren't coming from the same place as me. Now, i remember hearing something from preachers back home... you support and pray for the president, even when he doesn't make the best decisions. God appoints the rulers and authorities, and there is a plan and a reason. He is sovereign and this is not a mistake. Now I heard this said while applied to President GW Bush, and I see no reason why it does not apply to our next president. He is not a savior but he's not the devil either. Really.
That's my rant and i'll put my nose back in the anatomy textbook now.

Quick update.

2008-09-28T21:48:00.002-05:00

I have a pretty big test tomorrow... then as one of the professors described, "The mother of all tests" is coming up in 2 more weeks... so i'll be pretty busy for awhile. I'm almost halfway done with the semester, though.
I watched the amazing race on tv tonight. I want to do that! I think i should stop watching travel shows, they just make me want to go places. But as mark reminded me... you can just watch them not to remind you of what you'd rather be doing... but it's ok to watch them because they can inspire you to keep doing what you're doing now... so that you'll have the ability to go these places one day.
yeah, yeah. reality...
he's right though.

It's sneaking up on me.

2008-09-17T05:52:00.002-05:00

Something is sneaking up on me that i've been completely oblivious to. It follows me and creeps around, shows its face only at the very beginning and end of each day. It actually may have a face, but i'm not sure i've seen it until now.
There may actually be an autumn season here in Augusta.
The sun isn't up at 7 am. That is weird. And i suppose it's not all that different from Savannah... but i've never had to wake up at 6am every day before. It sets early too... and it's getting colder out. And it's not even the equinox yet, but leaves are falling. I love this kind of weather... but due to the tropical-rainforest feeling of the coast, i'm not quite used to much of a seasonal shift, and sometime spring and fall get thrown into the mix and it all comes out as a mostly-summer year, with a few cold snaps here and there. This is entirely new... entirely different, and wonderful. I can wear longsleeves in September!
So here's to Autumn.

WHOA i still write???

2008-09-14T22:00:00.003-05:00

Hello to anyone who reads this poor decrepit hapless blog with a very neglectful author.
I have an excuse really. I'm in med school now, and that requires most of my brain cells. In fact it requires my complete attention and all of my strength most of the time. I'm not kidding, it's arduous and i often wonder why i'm doing it anyway, but then i realize i'd be even more bored if i weren't here.
Now, whenever i am thinking, it is usually about things that most people wouldn't want to hear about anyway, like how Cranial nerve IV innervates one eye muscle but CN VI innervates another specific eye muscle and making up mnemonics and such to remember such mundane details.
Anyhow, in the lack of anything really interesting for anyone to hear of from me, here's a post that i found a bit heartwarming, from mine and Mark's friends in Atlanta.
And if i think of anything interesting that isn't gory or really unimportant to the everyday lives of normal people... maybe i'll post again. Till then... enjoy this one.

Where i'm going next week

2008-07-22T17:23:00.003-05:00

Chicago!
So glad to be done with summer classes and able to sleep late. Maybe some thinking can be done once my brain starts back up. Know any good things to see while i'm up in Chi-town?

Support local farms!

2008-06-05T13:29:00.006-05:00

News update:
I've moved to Augusta! Yay. The apartment's nice and so is the roomate. We'll see how the medical school part goes down.
It's extremely hot here. It's 38 Celsius today and feels like more. I'm not kidding. But this is Georgia summer for you. It'll be this way again. And probably worse in late July.
Also... there's an abundance of little farms and roadside stands around here. As i drove down the highway, i saw one of these little stands peddling some particular wares... "STRAWBERRIES" said the sign. Oooh.... the last time i had fresh, fresh handpicked strawberries... was... Vienna? A year ago? Could it be? Quick u-turn... i stepped up to the stand, half-expecting to speak German to the old man, my mind was so full of memories from europe... but no, alas, he spoke English and with a very southern dialect. A few bucks gone... and a bucket full of berries were mine. Big, beautiful berries like this...

Only later did i realize the copious amount of berries i had bought. It was a gallon bucket i believe. What's that, 3 litres? Overflowing.
Step 1: Strawberry banana smoothies shared with roomie.
Step 2: Eat berries for breakfast
Step 3: More smoothies...
Yet i still had more. I can't possibly eat all of these before they rot. So i resorted to the fine southern tradition called "putting up the food".
Putting up the food: verb, slang. common phrase for preparing then freezing or preserving the food in some other manner.
(my definition)
Simple enough with strawberries. Wash, cut off the tops, put in container and freeze.
I actually had to do it with some scallions today too that were soon-to-be-going-bad.
Yes and all the trimmings i threw into the tiny little garden area out my back door. I'll either have strawberries or compost. We'll see.

Thoughts d'jour

2008-05-28T13:34:00.002-05:00

Here's an article worth looking at. I enjoyed reading it... well, maybe enjoyed isn't the right word... but it's a good read.

My new prized posession

2008-05-07T20:33:00.005-05:00

Ah happiness. I have a desk chair. Nevermind the mere trifling fact that i do not have a desk yet. I have a chair and i am happy. For my chair is green. and from ikea at that. And you get to spin it around to raise and lower it.

yes, i am now selecting furniture for my new place... i'm moving to augusta in 3 weeks. how exciting. Med school here we come. my green chair and i will be an unstoppable studying force...

The Divine Comedy

2008-04-07T10:46:00.003-05:00

At LONG last, after a month of reading, i have completed the final canto of the Paradisio, concluding my several-weeks-long study of Dante Alighieri's Divine Comedy. The whole think is sincerely amusing, brilliant, and medieval. I loved Inferno for its gradation of sins...and if Dante were correct in his assumptions about sin, his description would be perfectly accurate. Besides, the punishments are so well thought out and cruel...
Purgatorio was interesting too, basically since i'm not catholic and have no concept whatsoever of purgatory. So just to see what a medieval Roman Catholic thought working off your sins would look like is fascinating.
Paradisio reads more like a work of philosophy than a narrative. I really liked it. Again, very medieval. Earth at center.... moon, sun, all the planets revolving around it. So once you leave earth, you begin working your way through the heavens... and see manifestations of the elect souls...and in the Empyrean heaven are the actual dwelling of all the elect and at the very top God himself. I must share a few quotes from Paradisio, simply to communicate how amusing and beautiful this piece of literature really is.
"The social relations of man demand diversity of gift, which diversity is provided for by the action of the heavens on human natures, but without regard to descent, so that natural heredity is overruled by celestial influences. Whereas we in assigning a man's place to him give heed only to hereditary position or such-like irrelevancies instead of studying his natural gift. Hence general confusion and incompetency. (intro and paraphrase to canto VII"
..."But ye wrench to a religious order him born to gird the sword, and make a king of him who should be for discourse; wherefore your track runneth abroad the road". (Canto VII, see why paraphrases are good?)

"It is devil-planted Florence that corrupts the world, both shepherd and flock, by her florins. But vengeance shall not lag" (Canto IX)

(see, medieval! Devil, vengeance, all that... we still hold on to a lot of medieval conceptions, interestingly....)

Dante has been guided through the heavens by Beatrice, the woman he loved while on earth. He directs his sight on her and pours out his gratitude, while praying that he may live and die worthy of her love, "whereon she smiled upon him and turned to God in whom alone is true and abiding union of human souls." (Canto XXXI)

Lovely. But i'm glad to be done. 'Twas a difficult read. I'm watching out for translations next time. Reading the proverbial "King James Version" of of this book (as i did) is not recommended.

Anarchy in the UK!

2008-03-29T23:34:00.003-05:00

I've had a interest in Anarchy for a couple of years now. Now don't get all worried, i'm not going to hurt anyone. But as a student of culture and social and political philosophy, I did in fact write a HUGE paper on anarchism (specifically the Spanish variety from 1880s-1930s concerning mainly their art and propaganda) as my senior Honors project. I recently read an article concerning a specific annoying variety of British anarchism, and though the article is hard to understand completely without knowledge of British contemporary history, it did leave with a few thoughts that i think are quite applicable in everyday life:

"For most of the history of the proletarian movement, a demanding critical thought was not seen as alien or elitist. In fact research into the use of union libraries, workers' book collections, radical publishers etc shows that 'deep' theoretical works were often far more widely read amongst sections of the proletariat than the upper classes. Knowledge was something that had to be fought for collectively and did not come cheap to the poor, and was therefore all the more highly valued." (emphasis mine)

"We want action not theory' - a slogan fit only for headless chickens."

We'd do well to remember that one... I can't help but think of it in light of my culture. We'll just jump into argument and action without a second thought. Study. Know what you actually think. Have good reasons. Then we can talk civilly.
This is why i find anarchy so interesting...

From: http://libcom.org/library/paper-tiger-class-war-aufheben-6

a poem of emptiness

2008-03-28T21:14:00.001-05:00

I try to connect all day
read...
listen...
speak...
Nothing.
It's like my soul is dead
Or just somewhere else
Or numb.
And maybe my heart is just not wanted
so it ran away.

Get Saved!!

2008-03-24T10:24:00.007-05:00

On to my review of the 4th chapter of UnChristian. I know you've barely been able to cope waiting for this one...
okay, main premise for this chapter goes something like this: "christians just want people to 'get saved'. They don't really care about me, but just want more points on their scorecard-my membership, my money, ect".
I can see where people get this perception. I even feel this way sometimes. I often feel as though, as a Christian, the church only cares about what I do... my good deeds, ect, not who i am on the inside or the struggles i go through.
Now, I and others may have feelings on this that may or may not be true- people may really care, but don't come across as though they do. And the way we've marketed our faith over the past 50ish years contributes to that. The gospel is seen as cheap - printed on cheap-looking t-shirts, billboards, across the radio, with crappy musicians and speakers- we've fallen into thinking that if we do anything in Jesus' name people will get saved. But it's not necessarily true- sometimes it just pushes people away. We're a bit overexposed to the message of faith... it seems inexpensive (read-not worth my life) and silly (read-something a closed-minded person would accept).
We've also become rather exclusive. I noticed this last thursday when my jewish friend was kind enough to come with me to a Maundy Thursday service at which my sister was playing the cello. The pastor's words were so laced with chrisian-and-church experiences and so full of connotations that you would have HAD to have been brought up in the church to understand a word he said. My poor friend was very lost-and uncomfortable. Then we had communion, and he was VERY emphatic on the point that "you can't do this unless you're saved. So get saved then you can have some. Otherwise just sit there". I'm not trying to be mean, i'm just describing it as my friend did when we discussed it afterward. If she invited me over for passover, i'd be able to eat the Seder, although i'm not Jewish and have no intention of becoming so. Enough on communion topic for now, but i think we may be taking it a little too far. At any rate, people still don't feel accepted in a church- they have to look a certain way, say certain things and do certain things. Even more "non-traditional Christians" feel very out of place, and are often not fully accepted in a church because they do things a little differently or come from a different background. A church without all these unspoken rules and hoops to jump through could be wonderful... i long for that. The authors define a few things that should be part of any christian community: 1) worshiping God intimately and passionately, 2)engaging in spiritual friendships with other believers, 3)Pursuing faith in the context of family, 4)Embracing intentional forms of spiritual growth 5)serving others 6) Investing time and resources in spiritual pursuits, and 7)having faith based conversations with outsiders. These authors, who work for Barna, by the way, discovered that most christians they surveyed don't value these things... but rather the yes-and-no of specific lifestyle choices, avoidance of sin, ect. And that's not what it's about.
Also, we've focused on the "one-time conversion experience". Here's how it's supposed to go. I meet person x on the street. We strike up an immediately spiritual conversation. I persuade x that I am right. X accepts Christ right there. I tell x to go to church and do good...maybe even invite to my church. But i will probably never see x again.
No, it can't work that way. If we continue to focus on this, we'll only contribute to the stereotype that christians just want converts, and don't care about the person - their needs or desires. We have to form relationships, "We would put the emphasis on developing relationships with nonbelievers, serving them, loving htem, and making them feel accepted. Only then would we earn the right to share the gospel." (p. 88, from Andy Stanley)
We have to love and listen...and think as we do it. Not just "I'm supposed to share these 5 steps with you and you're throwing me curveballs, get back on track here and get saved!" But rather, when a friend shares something you weren't expecting.. acually care about it, why they think that, and then love and listen to them as they work through it.
I know i look to have natural spiritual conversations with people- nothing set up by technique or formula. But relationship. I long to share myself with others... but only if i know they care about me.

hypocrisy

2008-03-17T10:06:00.006-05:00

The next section in "Unchristian" deals with hypocrites in the church. The church is seen by many as hypocritical, saying one thing but doing another. This has been one of the objections i've heard raised, and i'd dare say the church at large has recognized this at one point or another. I remember growing up and in youth group they'd say "your friends won't want to be christians because they think we're hypocrites". And it was responded to in different ways.
Reaction #1:
Act better. Walk the walk. Be the best person possible. Let them have no room to criticize you. We're right, we'll show them we're right by our rules and actions.
There are varying degrees of prudishness and isolatedness involved in this response. However, almost no matter where on this spectrum you are, you often end up in a legalistic kind of religion..there's rules, and i must follow them. This is hardly attractive for people who are looking for a free and meaningful life. (Yes, it's true, people are not just looking for absolutes and standards!)
Reaction #2:
Yes, of course we're hypocrites. They can't be expecting us to be perfect all the time. That'd be silly. We just do our best, you know.
However, this just leads to the escalation of the problem that's already there. "Those christians say they believe this, but are totally unwilling to even try to act like it".
Reaction #3:
They say we're hypocrites. But that's just dumb. We're not. Christians are the best people I know. Besides, they have nothing to say.
Simply, this isn't going to work because it will breed more isolation and "us v. them".

At first I was worried about what "Unchristian" was trying to present as a solution to all this...it sounded a little like Reactions 1 and 2 a bit mixed. And i'm still not sure they have quite figured it out for us, but it makes more sense than the 3 above reactions.
Yes, we do believe in some pretty high standards.
Yes, we are depraved and often can't fulfill them.
That's where Christ comes in.
We rely on His strength, and continually recognize His grace and love.
And they sum it up with a quote from Tolstoy "Attack me, not the path I take. If i stagger home drunkenly, does that make the path i follow any less right?"

It makes sense, but i'm not sure i'm quite satisfied with this. Not sure what more i'm looking for.. comments welcome, as always.

unchristian

2008-03-12T10:26:00.005-05:00

I've started reading a new book...here's some opening thoughts from the first chapters.
"For most [people between 18 and 29], relationships are the driving force. Being loyal to friends is one of their highest values. They have a strong need to belong, usually to a tribe of other loyal people who know them well and appreciate them. Still, under their relational connectedness lies a strong individualism. Even though they esteem fair-mindedness and diversity, they are irreverent and blunt. Finding ways to express themselves....is an endless pursuit...skeptical of leaders, products, and institutions...They do not trust things that seem too perfect, accepting that life comes with its share of messiness and off-the-wall experiences and people."

"Our studies explored the nature of the perceptions about Christianity - not just pro or con but the substance of how people feel...not if people feel negatively but why... Christians are primarily perceived for what they stand against. We have become known for what we oppose, rather than who we are."

One "outsider's" comment- "entrenched-thinking, antigay, antichoice, angry, violent, illogical, empire-building, convert-focused people who cannot live peacefully with others...known for an us-vs-them mentality."

"[outsiders] feel minimized- or worse, demonized- by those who love Jesus."

From reading the first couple of chapters, I think they've done a pretty good job in defining what my age group thinks about life and about christianity. Heck, it's what i think about life and "christianity". So i'm proud of these guys for recognizing it- and it's interesting how they write as though they know it's going to shock some people. And yes, it probably will. I know it would at the church I go to every sunday. The sermon last week did indeed demonize outsiders and skeptics and called christians to more us-vs-them arguments with others.
Let me make a point i've been on for a long time...there is a generational shift going on that the church has ignored. It must learn how people think, their priorities, their lifestyle- and learn to care about all of it. It's just a part of loving others as Jesus did.
"Young people today" don't want fame or money or the american dream. We, the new generation of adults in America and the modern (or perhaps postmodern...) world are after knowledge (of self and of everything else), expression (of our individualism, community, knowledge, and beliefs), and community (acceptance, love, and support). And the church must learn how to accept this and deal with it. In fact, our job could be easier than before. We no longer have huge layers of systems and methods to undermine. Rather, we have skeptics who are willing to accept "radical", "different" lifestyles and are accepting of things that Jesus taught of (community, love, nonviolence, giving). There's a huge opportunity here.
Good book. More thoughts later.
UnChristian, Dave Kinnaman and Gabe Lyons, 2007, Baker, Grand Rapids.

yes, i have been watching firefly for the past 3 days

2008-03-11T08:57:00.003-05:00

I watched all of Firefly last weekend, and watched Serenity today. If you don't know what I'm talking about, it's a great sci-fi series and movie. Especially the movie.

Captain Reynolds: Do you know what the first rule of flying is? Well, i guess you do since you already know what i'm about to say.

River: I do, but i like to hear you say it.

Ah, beautiful... go where you want with that. So true.

All because of U[2]

2008-03-07T11:12:00.002-05:00

I went to see U23D yesterday...as a music, cinema, and U2 fan, i have to recommend it highly. And i was thinking on the lyrics from one of their songs...
U2 Lyrics

"U2 One lyrics"

Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you now
You got someone to blame
You say...

One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it

Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's...

Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One...

Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

One...life

One

I always thought this song was about a difficult relationship, specifically a romantic one...and maybe, but perhaps there's more to it too. The line "sisters, brothers" makes me think so. I think this song can be about how hard it is for us to get along with our fellow humans. How wretchedly we can treat each other. But we're one. We have one life, and we all share life. Here's hoping we can learn how to carry each other. Love one another. Count the other's life as just as important, if not more so, than our own.
That's something i've been trying to learn lately. To live in community, and love as though others are just as important as me. Trying to lay down pride... and live outside of my own little paradigm. To put aside all of my desire to simply be left alone in the quiet (which is still nice sometimes...) and welcome others, hoping they will be willing to do the same.

parting thoughts from "revolution"

2008-02-18T11:49:00.004-05:00

Jesus' unlikely metaphors...yeast and mustard. Jews weren't big fans of either. They rid their house of yeast, a picture of sin or evil being cleaned of their life, once a year. They also valued tidy gardens,and were forbidden by jewish law to plant mustard in the garden. (m. Kil'ayim 3:2; t. Kil'aim 2:8) Why? "I was notorious for invading the well-trimmed veggies and other plants and for quickly taking over the entire garden. (Kind of like yeast works its way through dough...hmm.)... he is using this infamous plant to describe God's kingdom subtly [my note- and perhaps not so "prettily"] taking over the world." This gets me thinking. Jesus is ridiculing the huge expectations the people had for the kingdom of God. It spreads contagiously, in ways that consume our pretty little ordered world and makes something new. Also, mustard has to be crushed in order for it to be useful, either as a seasoning or as a medicine. Yeast, also, cannot be kept separate if it is to be used in the bread... it has to be covered up by the dough, smothered in it...and then it can be infectious and spread throughout all the quantity of dough, no matter how immense; just a small amount of smothered yeast goes a long way.

Now a quote from the book on the church and the frustration that many "overchurched" people feel:
"If you have the gift of frustration and the deep sense that the world is a mess, thank God for that; not everyone has the gift of vision. It also means that you ahve a responsibility to lead us in new ways. Recognizing that something is wrong is the first step toward changing the world. So for those of us who have nearly given up on the church, may we take comfort in the words of St. Augustine, "The church is a whore, but she's my mother" [ouch! yes, i know that's strong. even i havent dared say that yet] She is a mess and has many [messy] children. But she is also our momma and managed to give birth to us and to give us enough of the truth that we have been able to ask the questions that we have..."

All in all "The Irresistible Revolution" by Shane Claiborne (Zondervan 2006) is a great read. I recommend highly. Go get a copy, read it, get mad at it, do something with it...then give it away and let it keep going. :)

on acting out this faith thing

2008-02-13T11:28:00.005-05:00

Just a few thoughts from the gospels today:
Matt. 26 The final judgement.
Jesus gathers all people to him and separates them into sheep (righteous) and goats (unrighteous). He says to the righteous, "come, you who are blessed by my Father, inhert the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me. Then the righteous will answer saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you or thirty and give you a drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?' And the King will answer them "truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me."
The same thing happens with the unrighteous. They are ordered to depart because they did not feed the hungry, welcome the stranger, clothe the naked, or help the hurting.
Doing to "the least of these" is the same as doing to christ.
Interestingly this issue came up at bible study last night. I commented on how things have just happened in my life this week in which God has allowed me to be a part of his work, and how it just seems natural-what i should do. I dont feel as though i'm doing anything special. But i did challenge others there to examine themselves, ask if they care about others, and then invest their energy, time, and love into other people. Another person shot back, "but you have to be careful! you have to spend time with God first and love him first!" To which i responded with this passage- doing to the least of these is doing to christ. Spending time with them and loving them IS loving Christ.
Now moving on:
Mark 12. The Greatest Commandment.
What did Jesus say? Love the lord your god with all your heart and soul and mind and strength; love your neighbor as yourself. (There's lots to say here. I've thought in the past that we often miss the mind part, but now I see that we often miss the strength- especially since it's right before loving neighbors- acting it out, using our bodies!)
But what's striking me today is the response from a scribe who was sitting there, in on the conversation.
"And the scribe said to him, 'You are right, Teacher. You have truly sad that he is one, and there is no other besides him [God]. And to love him with all the heart and with all the understanding and with all the strength and to love one's neighbor as oneself is much more than all whole burnt offerings and sacrifices.' And when Jesus saw that he answered wisely, he said to him 'You are not far from the kingdom of God'."
Why didn't he say "you are a part of the kingdom of god" or "you will enter the kingdom of god"? This guy understood...he said it, he knew it. But he had not yet acted on it. If he really loved God, he'd be loving his neighbor. And once he did that, he'd be in on the kingdom.
Next! Luke 18. The Rich Young Ruler.
You know the story. This rich, handsome young guy comes up to Jesus and says, "what must i do to inherit eternal life?" Jesus says, i think a bit sarcastically- keep all the commandments. Rich man says, "Got it!". Jesus- "One thing you still lack. Sell all that you have and give it to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me." Again, this guy's intentions were good. But he was unwilling to act on it, or to sacrifice any of his comforts.
Last. John 15. Last supper, last words.
As he's about to be betrayed and killed, Jesus gives many words to his disciples, among which are these: "This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no on e than this, that someone lays down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you."
Love. Do we even love one another, our brothers and sisters? If not, how can we even begin to love the oppressed and weak and poor? No i'm not preaching a works-based salvation. But we must act on our faith! So many of us know so much, have been given so much, and say we love God! But do we? If so, we must show it! and not just to those around us who are comfortable with it, but to all people! What good is love if it is not shown? And if it is only given to those who are deserving, what is it worth? It is only cheap recognition of goodness in another person. But christ demonstrated his love in that while we were still sinners he DIED for us. If you got love, live it.

Update: Pay attention to this response post, esp. the last little paragraph. It clarifies a bit.

Blessed are...

2008-02-11T21:29:00.001-05:00

"Too often we just do what makes sense to us and ask God to bless it. In the Beatitudes, God tells us what God blesses-the poor, the peacemakers, the hungry those who mourn, those who show mercy- so we should not ask God's blessing on a declaration that we will have no mercy on evildoers. We know all too well that we have a God who shows mercy on evildoers, for if he didn't we'd all be in big trouble, and for that, this evildoer is very glad. Rather than do what makes sense to us and ask God's blessing, we'd do better to surround ourselves with those whom God promises to bless, and then we need nt ask God's blessing. It's just what God does."
Claiborne, Shane. The Irresistible Revolution. 219. Grand Rapids, Zondervan, 2006.

The Gift of Community

2008-02-06T11:42:00.000-05:00

I've been reading "The Irresistible Revolution" by Shane Claiborne, and this book is in large part to blame for my thinkings on poverty and reality and in my hopes to live in Middle Reality. Here's some more thoughts. This guy lives in a community house in the inner city of Philly:
"I almost feel selfish sometimes, for the gift of community. The beautiful thing is that there is enough to go around"
"But that doesn't mean community is easy. For everything in this world tries to pull us away from community, pushes us to choose ourselves over others, to choose independence over interdependence, to choose great things over small things, to choose going fast alone over going far together."
"The concept of multidimensional discipleship is essential as we consider how to retain a radical discipleship that is multiethnic, intergenerational, and includes singles and families. Otherwise we will just end up surrounded by people who look like us, think like us, and respond to the gospel in exactly the same way we do. And that would rob us of the gift of community and of what it means to be a body with many different parts."
It's probably easy to see how this ties into my previous posts- when we distance ourselves from suffering, we miss out on so much. When we come closer, begin to follow in Jesus's footsteps of associating with the poor and needy, the desperate and sinful, we begin to be able to understand and live and hopefully give hope and love. When we begin to understand what this "the last shall be first, the first shall be last" thing is all about, that's when we are becoming conformed to the image of Christ, that is when we are really in reality and making a difference in it- through community, giving, and love.

definitions

2008-02-05T22:34:00.000-05:00

The last couple of posts i've been harping on a little something called reality, and how christian culture as we know it is unable to get in touch with it, unable to change and unable to help, unable to serve. Now i've been challenged to better define what i mean here, because i may be running the risk of saying only "arr, reality! be in it, fix it! I dunno what it means but do something real!"
Okay, here's a try. I recognize that there are different realities, often overlaid upon each other. To make this concept simpler for myself to understand, try to imagine a piece of paper with three lines drawn across...one high, one mid, one low.

There. Something kind of like that. Pay no attention to the units there, that's not my drawing, i just found that and it's close enough for the mental picture.
Okay, take the top line. That's "High Reality". That's where i come from- good family, good church, immersed in more or less highbrow and rich christianity in america. Not trying to make judgement, bear with me. But this is upper segment of society. Okay, so the pros to this. We are rich, we are comfortable, we are moral, we have the potential to do much. Here are the cons. We are unable to do anything because we do not know how to be uncomfortable, we are the justifiers, we are looking out for only ourselves and those closest to us because we have blinders on-again, due to comfortablity.
Okay, now to Middle Reality (Middle Earth anyone? HA! er nevermind). Okay, so living with your head on here is often a battle and a choice. Here, we may be a bit richer and have the ability to live comfortably, but we are willing to be uncomfortable- why? because of awareness of the Low Reality, and also of the High Reality. We may be ones grown tired of High Reality, and are ready to do something to "help" the circumstances of those in Low Reality. Or we may be born into it. Or we may have somehow gotten here, through our own efforts or from another's benevolence, from low reality. This includes the people that aren't incredibly rich, but are actually doing something with their life and helping others. This includes the people that could be making the tops in the Highest Fringes of High Reality, but are choosing to be lower, choosing to live where they live and give away more than seems reasonable. Why? Many reasons. But i want to live here, in Middle Reality, because if i call myself a christian, one who loves all people as christ does, it brings me closer to all people, both the Highers and the Lowers. it allows me to get my hands dirty, and there's not as much of a stigma associated with involvment in "liberal" social justice here. Really for me it's more awareness of everything that's going on in the world, and the pressure to perform is down. I don't have to live with the acheivement mindset involved in High Reality.
Now to Low Reality. I mean people in projects, i mean homeless people. Hungry people. War-torn people. Addicted people. Low Reality is again defined in where you live and what your social status is. These really are the people that need help. Perhaps they are good people and love Jesus and just need a chance for better circumstance. Maybe they really are messed up spiritually and mentally and need us to love them without much hope of gaining anything out of it. But these are the ones Christ went to...he loved even when rejected. These are the ones i want to learn to love.
There are also fringe realities, such as Uber-High, celebrities, Trumps, ect. There are also Uber-Lows, such as lepers in Calcutta.
What i mean by doing somehthing real is getting into the low and helping those in need. I mean actually sacrifice something. I mean make yourself uncomfortable. I mean don't just throw your money at poverty and suffering. Throw your heart into it. Get messy every now and then. Be involved in something bigger than you. I'm going to try. I know i'm still in the thinking and feeling phase of this. Specific actions in this regard are few, but they do exist. More on social justice later.

Words that pierce

2008-02-04T11:43:00.001-05:00

Now wasn't i talking about this a couple of days ago? Again i want to say more on this later. but i gotta think for awhile.
Ouch, Soren, ouch.

"The matter is quite simple. The Bible is very easy to understand. But we Christians are a bunch of scheming swindlers. We pretend to be unable to understand it because we know very well that the minute we understand, we are obliged to act accordingly. Take any words in the New Testament and forget everything except pledging yourself to act accordingly. My God, you will say, if I do that my whole life will be ruined. How would I ever get on in the world? Herein lies the real place of Christian scholarship. Christian scholarship is the Church's prodigious invention to defend against the Bible, to ensure that we can continue to be good Christians without the Bible coming too close. Oh, priceless scholarship, what would we do without you? Dreadful it is to fall into the hands of the living God. Yes, it is even dreadful to be alone with the New Testament"
~Soren Kierkegaard, Provocation:Spiritual Writings of Kierkegaard, ed. Charles E. Moore.

What? All of them?

2008-02-02T23:02:00.000-05:00

Here's my question. Are all of the christians just having a bad day? What's up with this? If you don't know where I work, let's keep it that way. But let's just say it's in a certain christian retail store. I won't go into how christian consumer culture in america really kills me...but these guys pay my bills, so i work for them. Now, as noted, it's difficult enough to keep on poking along in this environment because the principle of the thing just strangles me. But seriously, is it just me, or are "christians" not some of the most demanding, rude, loud, and demeaning people? I try to tell myself they're just not themselves at the moment. But i see them time after time... and no difference. Are they all just having a bad day...every day??
Why do we act this way?
Okay, so they're not all bad, and i'd like to think i'm one of the nice ones. But seriously people, are we just completely used to having our way? Why do we demand it perfectly and NOW! We run and scream whenever we hear of something as tiny as, for example, a small georgia county thinking of allowing alcohol to be served at restaurants or something dumb like that... and we forget that people all over the world are being ostracised, persecuted, killed, for their faith. And we just complain when we can't have it our way. We've become so blind to reality, it's incredible. Like i said, we focus on tiny issues that we don't even need to bother with. Instead, let's try loving people...not just non-christains, but we could even start with each other, for pete's sake. Instead of picketing for teetotaling, let's try giving the poor guy down the street some help with groceries. Instead of whining when Roe v. Wade isn't turned over year after year, let's talk with people about the decisions they're making. Instead of whining about the "liberals" (who, by the way, actually seem to know how to do a thing or two about poverty that we dont care about) let's actually do something. Or for starters, let's just care about other people.
I know i'm mad. don't mind me. think amongst yourselves...
perhaps when i'm in a better mood i'll make a rational discourse of how our worldview is messed up...

pensamientos

2008-01-20T21:27:00.000-05:00

so i've been mused on by dasganze's recent post. i've just gotten home from the sunday night service i've started going to... basically a bunch of college kids hanging out, recruiting a preacher (this service thing was his idea to start with, we run it, but need his guidance and encouragement) to teach us, and in their words, "doing church differently". it's cool. and after my first week, i was recruited to be the "worship-leader-person". which i have found that i enjoy doing. It's not just playing guitar and singing on sunday nights, it's the whole process i go through to have the music ready. It forces me to play on one instrument or another or sing or at least think about songs everyday. It makes me be creative... and i wasn't so sure i could be that. Now i find myself writing more, thinking more, chilling more. I'm sitting here listening to soft music. I've recently found joy hearing Phil Wickham and Edison Glass. I've usually listened to rockier stuff, and still love it. but it was often just to get the aggression out from all the stress i was going through. Now i'm still busy, but maybe not quite as angry. Why? simply because i now make the effort to create... and in this effort, i feel the need to be at peace in all things i do. This has led me to cut out some activities and add others.
I went to a museum last sunday, saw some abstract expressionist works from the eastside of NYC. I've always appreciated such things (or tried to). But this time i actually understood. i stood there for much longer than i usually do, definitely a lot longer than the other people who ventured to the arts centre that day. The need to express one's emotion and impressions in a more tangible way than simply speaking...in fact, sometimes to truly express requires more than just speech. I wish i had my sister's talent for painting, i'd love to express in colour. Maybe that's why i put such thought into the background for my powerpoint for the words on sunday nights... i think in colours and places. But in the lack of such, i shall express myself through note and tone, and feel with rhythm, song, piano keys, my raspy alto voice, and guitar strings.

a poem of reflection

2008-01-18T22:47:00.001-05:00

What is joy?
So often now i feel
Rent, torn in two
By the world
But more- by my own heart.

What is life?
Could one even
Claim it, for it comes
And goes-
As it pleases, not as i.

How could i say anything
Unless You
Show me?

How could i feel
Unless You
Move me?

How can i live
Unless you
Raise me?

Mysticism

2008-01-10T09:38:00.000-05:00

a recent conversation:

Me:
here's something cool i found today:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evelyn_Underhill
a british mystical writer... a very intellectual type of christian it seems. quite interesting. i was thinking on mysticism a little bit, and as the article mentions it was shunned by protestants of the day. i'd posit that it often is today, too....we're caught up in a lot of rules and regulations. sure there are some people that do things because they "feel" god leading them to do so, and the church may commend them as having a "good heart" and even letting them do a lot of the dirty work, but it seems a lot of the time even they are stuck with the "rules" of "x" denomination and don't tend to move outside of them. so i dont count them as mystics. nor are they intellectual, which underhill seems to see as an important characteristic of a mystic.
(My point is, christianity as i see it quite often is full of laws, morals, and "new ways to do something correctly" I'll avoid commentary, i'm just noting an observation.)
I wonder if such "experiential" christianity as you and i seem to think that we need is kind of a modern mysticism. I mean "mysticism", what does that mean, anyway? it seems so far removed from us. is it just intellectual+experience+faith? or intellectual+experience=faith? or intellectual+faith=experience? and yes, i do think i'm simplifying it, mysticism is complex. but it amuses me to think we could be more "mystic" than we realize :).

Response:
A few lines in the article help explain:

her early mystical insights were described by her as "abrupt experiences of the peaceful, undifferentiated plane of reality—like the "still desert" of the mystic—in which there was no multiplicity nor need of explanation

Mysticism, purely, is about experience outside of explanation(causation). This can lead to "just is" kinds of things, as well as neoplatonic "beatific vision"(later falsely adopted by catholicism) all of which Schaeffer categorizes as a 'final' experience; one beyond all words, and any attempt to communicate it is reducing the experience. This creates a 'gnostikoi' (those who know). An explicit 'in/out' grouping based on happenstance of the Great Causation which Experiences upon you. (Not unlike the hope of the son returning in "Blast from the Past" ;) )

"yet concerned with her focus on mysticism and encouraged her to adopt a much more Christocentric view as opposed to the theistic/intellectual one she had previously held."

This is precisely the different between philosophy (neoplatonism/buddhism/deism) and christianity. And it's easy to do so! Philosophy has no category for Christianity beyond deism/theism!

Her focus on the Spirit is warranted; He has been downplayed waaay too much in history, and now overblown by the charismatics (who fall squarely into Schaeffer's description!)

It was a fundamental axiom of Evelyn Underhill, that all of life was sacred - as that was what "incarnation" was about.

Hmm.. yes and no. From wiki's "Christian Mysticism":

Two major themes of Christian mysticism are (1) a complete identification with, or imitation of Christ, to achieve a unity of the human spirit with the spirit of God; and (2) the perfect vision of God, in which the mystic seeks to experience God "as he is," and no more "through a glass, darkly." (1 Corinthians 13:12)

Yeah, that says it well. The first from Jn 15/17 I'm sure.

So I'd say that Mysticism can at best only semi-define a reality outside of this world, and then seek transcendent unity with it, despite (instead of through) this world.

While mysticism isn't fully rational, it's not necessarily fully fideist either (as some would like to put them all in). So the 'brand' of mysticism is dependent on how much definition you put of the noumenal. Faith, then is regarding (1) the reality of the noumenal and (2) method of transcendental unity with it.

out now

2007-12-13T18:01:00.000-05:00

and now that i'm out of uni, what am i doing?
Well, working. But today, i'm just sitting around. Maybe original thoughts will come later. but i'm just sleeping, reading, playing guitar and singing. Letting things reset, refresh. Here's something i read that i liked, it's a reflection on Hebrews chapter 1 from an authour named Sarah Arthur, and i thought i'd share this thought since it's been awhile since you heard from me, and i was a little mad the last time. This thought is a little more peaceful.

Once and for All
answering the ultimate question
"Can God be known?"
with a resounding yes!
He has revealed himself first
through the prophets,
mouthpieces of the Almighty.
frail and imperfect messengers;
but now-oh now!
In these last days there is nothing
but glory,
nothing but God himself
revealed in his own likeness, begotten
as his own thumbprint,
an autobiography, line for line,
spelling "Son".
No stream of verbiage
from a messenger in the desert;
no page after page
of ink-spotted judgements
simply one Word

SON

(salvation)

and then silence.

here's hoping the proverbial pen is mightier....

2007-11-14T13:28:00.001-05:00

whoa, it's been awhile. perhaps more of my ranting will be publicized after finals/ uni graduation. my last few weeks of being a uni student are interesting; i've noticed a few things. The one on my mind right now is being brought about by sitting in BCM today - that's baptist collegiate ministries. So, we good little christian kids all have lunch together, listen to music, and then are treated to an encouraging message by a notable speaker of the week. I've been ticked by speakers before, but today really did it for me. So, a kinda loud southern guy in a suit. Hmmm... okay. Step one: not identifying with his audience. Sure. I can get over appearances.... but his message is no better... ranting, rambling... what's he talking about? Abundant life maybe? then he talks about the ministry he's involved in... telethons with Billy Graham crusades. he asks us trivia questions about Mr. Graham, the Graham family, the number of years of his ministry, his kids, how many people are saved because of Billy....
as can be imagined, most of the college students have no idea.
His basic point seemed to be "if you're not saved, you're missing out, cause jesus loves you and died for you"
and if you are saved "hand out these billy graham tracts to people, cause they know who he is and people are more interested in what you have to say than you think. As a matter of fact, there was this one time i was in the grocery store and i was talking to this lady..." then proceeds to give several anecdotes of people he's given tracts to.
"cause there's nothing better than giving these things out to people, all the houses and cars and pleasure in the world can't compare..."
Just a few points on this one:
1)contrary to what it seems, i'm not really knocking this guy. he seemed fine, nice, "genuine" enough. but he had several misconceptions about my generation and it's view on life and faith. Maybe he should stick to handing out his tracts to people his age. that's fine.
2)but we postmoderns know diddly about billy graham and church-as-usual. And most college students dont give a darn about either. Handing out billy's tracts aren't going to do much if anything.
3)yes, we would like to invest ourselves in other people's lives, and we'd like to think that our friendship and discussions are better methods of "evangelism" than pretty pieces of paper.
4)as we grow up, we're not going to become just like you. your methods arent going to work anymore. billy's going to die. The world's not just going to change...it has already changed, and we do things differently. and the way we do things is NOT wrong or unbiblical.
5)we dont really care so much about houses and cars. this is another generational thing. The baby-boomers can be super materialistic and will say things like "ask any college student, they'll tell you they want to be rich and sucessful!" i hear that in church all the time. and i'm not so sure that's true anymore. of course, who wouldnt mind having extra cash and a ferrari? But ask us what we really want, and it's to enjoy life. We dont have to be affluent, or even own a car. we just want to enjoy what we do, where we are, and the people we're around.
6)we dont want anecdotes. we want truth.
7)let's say i'm not saved. so...i'm missing out on some intangible "love" and some dead person and handing out tracts in the grocery store. whoop-de-do. but tell me there is more to learn, more truth, more meaning, something reasonable and logical and live-able without putting on a suit and being rich and doing these churchy things.. then maybe i'm in. we can talk more about it. (please note-talk, not tracts)
8)church as usual, telethons, crusades, tracts... yeah, we don't like that stuff. at all. (back to point 4)

The stuff we're being told... again, "church-as-usual" is not reaching the unchurched of our generation. It's not even cutting it for the churched kids. Tell me you don't long for church to be more than it is? Surely you hope for more? Ok... well, i do.

Wait....what?

2007-11-05T14:00:00.001-05:00

I know some may consider me rather liberal and such, but even i had to laugh at this one. Hilarious yet disturbing. Ridiculous yet thought provoking....

just look at the sample pages from this site and either laugh or cry. I had to laugh.

no comment

2007-10-27T22:56:00.000-05:00

yeah... i'll let you make up your own mind about this one...
Convenient Communion

Things i've noticed at work...

2007-10-09T20:31:00.001-05:00

There's no point in working at a Christian book store if you can't find wonderful things to read. Here's what i've been drooling over:

The blogging church

read some at amazon!

And...
The emerging church

look what google has to offer with this title!

Disclaimer: i havent read any of these yet. i'm just excited :)

Save the children...

2007-10-04T22:34:00.000-05:00

Although it's just a joke, i kinda wish it were real...
Save the celebrity children!

Dear Carmen...

2007-09-17T15:52:00.000-05:00

Maybe i should run a dear-abby type column. Okay, maybe not, that would get old, but sometimes i get a little carried away. I had a recent facebook conversation with a friend:
Her on my wall: Have you read Boy meets Girl?
Me on her wall: Yes i have read it.
Her on my wall: What did you think?
okay, broad question that will require more than a wall to fix. and i think it might be good to make available to more folks to read. (disclaimer: the dating nazi may have struck again.)
hey friend,
that's a pretty hard question to answer, first because there's a lot to say and second because it's been a long time since i've read it. did you have anything specific in mind? First, i will say that there's nothing wrong with what Joshua Harris (the authour) is proposing. If you follow his directions, there really is nothing wrong with dating that way. However, i think people get caught up in the emotions of his view of a perfect and pure romance and start looking to the book and to morality-NOT TO GOD- to make decisions from and solve all their problems. so 1) there's nothing inherently wrong with his model, but 2)god may have something different in mind for you. he's THE creative one! You know i'm not convinced that courting is any better than dating or that there's even a real difference, but I do think as a generation and as a church we have gone a little too far on this. We are paranoid that we are going to miss the ONE PERFECT PERSON that God has for us and we base our whole lives and all our choices and all our fear on that. THAT'S WRONG. We have forgotten that 1) singleness is a gift from god. it is not something to seek to be rid of. it is something deserving contentment in and of itself. 2)if we live our lives each and every day in obedience to Christ, he will guide and direct us! he knows the plans he has for us, and that includes his plans for our relationships.
So look to god, not books for answers. anything you read, screen it through scripture and what you know about god and his character. and if you really dont think you know much at all about god and his character and what he thinks about you, then don't even be worrying about dating and all this messy stuff until you know god and who he says you are.

if i'm too preachy or if you have specific questions, please ask...you know i dont mind!
I have more thoughts...there could be more on this later....

The dirty little secrets on how to deal with family....

2007-09-11T13:03:00.000-05:00

I was speaking to a good friend the other day...who just happens to be a few years older than me and the mother of one of my best friends... about a certain type of relational conflict that is often hard to deal with- it's crazy how we don't see on the same level as the people who raised us! So i wasn't going terribly deep or sharing all my dirty secrets, though i do trust my friend, but i simply expressed the hurt that was on my heart due to the communication difficulties. Since her daughter recently became engaged, i knew that she'd had to see her relationship with her daughter change and some conflict had been involved. She gave me a few key pieces of advice:
1) your parents are not looking for control, but for relevance in your life.
This was almost news to me. Because it seemed at times like they really do want control. She gently explained to me that she as a mother really didnt want to run her kid's life...she wanted her to do it on her own, but she wanted to know that she was still relevant in a couple of ways:
1.1) her daughter still made decisions with her in mind and
1.2) her daughter still involved her, even to a small extent, in some of her major decisons
2) your parents expectations of you, your personality, and your relationship with them may be too high
Crazy, because this is something Mark and i have been talking a lot about. Expectations can kill. With them around, i often do not have a true view of reality, and i cannot respond to the world around me correctly, and i will hurt those around me. What, expectations can hurt my parents-of-steel as well?
2.1) give them a new reality of who you are, what you want, and what they can expect from you
2.2) be gracious with them as they begin to learn again who you are, that the you they knew back from childhood is not around anymore-who you are now is not different, but just the maturation and the stronger counterpart of that
3) let your parents get to know you outside of the house
Again, this had never really occured to me. My family only knows me in the context of my home and the places they take me. I need to invite them into the things i love to do.
3.1) practically-take one/both of them downtown, show them the art galleries and coffee houses that you frequent
3.2) explain why you like and do the things you are showing them. (this will also help in point #2).

Big thanks to my wise friend... i hope her advice is helpful to others as well!

these things always work...

2007-08-21T20:27:00.000-05:00

You Should Date A Swede!

You're a romantic, albeit an understated and practical one.
It's more about a steady partnership for you, not unrestrained falling
Your Swede will give you the unwavering love you crave
While making up some mean pancakes and meatballs on the side!

Which Foreign Guy Should You Date?

guess who is a quarter swede?

no surprise....

2007-08-19T14:14:00.001-05:00

INTP - "Architect". Greatest precision in thought and language. Can readily discern contradictions and inconsistencies. The world exists primarily to be understood. 3.3% of total population.

Free Jung Personality Test (similar to Myers-Briggs/MBTI)

Introverted (I) 75.76% Extroverted (E) 24.24%
Intuitive (N) 69.44% Sensing (S) 30.56%
Thinking (T) 64.86% Feeling (F) 35.14%
Perceiving (P) 56.41% Judging (J) 43.59%

and i know how surprised you are that Mark was similar...

Beloved

2007-08-15T10:12:00.001-05:00

I was reading the last few verses in the book of Jude this morning:

20 But you, beloved, building yourselves up on your most holy faith, praying in the Holy Spirit, 21 keep yourselves in the love of God, looking for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ unto eternal life. 22 And on some have compassion, making a distinction; 23 but others save with fear, pulling them out of the fire, hating even the garment defiled by the flesh.

I've read these verses before. I even had them underlined in my Bible. Except for one word. Guess which word i did not underline.
Beloved.
Why? Did i not think it necessary? But it's there for a reason...look at verse 21. Keep yourselves in the love of God. Love is apparently important-and we only love him because he first loved us. Did i not think myself beloved the last time i read this? i wish i could remember when that was. i found strength in these verses apparently, they told me something to do. But i saw them more as an order from a general than a gentle command from a loving Father who asks this because he loves me. i am stunned that i never realized this before. of course i thought God loved me. He loves everybody, it's not that hard to learn that in Sunday School. but me? really, personally, me? have i ever felt it this way before? i can remember times i have felt overwhelmed by his love - but again, it was only love as a big, universal thing - now, i feel as though it is entirely directed at me. as though i am the sole object of his love. through experiences in my life, i can understand it better now than when i first read this. i am humbled and in awe. i am beloved.

After a few days stateside...

2007-08-07T20:06:00.001-05:00

I flew into New York City last Monday, and had fun with Brian and Pam touring the city, going to Conan O'Brian live, climbing to the top of the Empire State Building...then arrived in Chicago on Friday to visit Mark. Stories and pics will come later, probably! But after a few days stateside, i have arrived at a few over-arching generalizations about Americans and Europeans.

(Just as a disclaimer, especially to certain people who may read this, i know it's cynical and i don't hate americans. i am one, and can't help it. i won't justify myself any more, that's a whole different discussion!)
Europeans are like cats. They're cool, they're well-groomed. They're cosmopolitan, smart, know their place in the world (and yours may very well be under theirs...till you earn their trust).
Americans are like dogs. Yeah, they're loud, they're annoying, dirty. They might be a bit fat. Or maybe really fat. They're not always the smartest. But like dogs, you kinda start missing them...maybe they need a little help, so you stick with them a little longer.

Is that thunder?

2007-07-27T09:57:00.001-05:00

37 degrees Celcius. Madrid sun. The smog, the heat. It burns my pale skin, hurts my fair eyes. I'm so tired, from work, from school, from feeling. I dont want to move. Wait, a sound...a rumble...
Is that thunder? Oh to see a dark sky, oh to see rain! What i would give for its wetness and coolness against my skin!
I rush to the window.
No. just construction work.
hope springs.
hope dies.
it's alright.

Pamplona Video

2007-07-23T09:04:00.000-05:00

It's finally here...the overrated moment we've all been waiting for.

The Jolly Wedding

2007-07-22T09:33:00.000-05:00

Most of you back home that i've spoken to have been asking how the wedding went...and christine finally posted about it. So here you get it straight from the source. Make sure you watch the video at the end. I'm proud of that.

more pictures

2007-07-21T15:43:00.000-05:00

More Madrid pics!

Toledo pics...

Here's a few more adventures...seeing the royal palace and the medieval town of toledo.
Lessons learned:
1)It is so hard to take classes in Spain because of:
a)lots of homework
b)lack of sleep
c)so much to see

2)From now on, i'll travel to the southern hemisphere in the summer months.
a)cheaper
b)colder

3)My spanish is improving:
a)reading like a banshee all these darn novels
b)writing 2-3 papers of 3-5 pages each week
c)however, speaking still awkward
1-still processing from english to spanish
2-still figuring out how to speak like a spaniard
3-they look at me funny because the white girl is speaking spanish

4)I really do love Spain
a)madrid...art, restaurants, history, culture, cosmopolitan environment
b)country-serious hiking needs to be done here
c)muslim/jewish influence in history and architecture
d)chocolate and churros

Spain

2007-07-15T16:19:00.000-05:00

i know the question you want to ask.
"how is spain?"
Well, it's an interesting place. It's easy to be a bit touristy here...lots of english is spoken, and they don't have a lot of patience for my spanish. They're famous for their food, but i can't find any (affordable) good food (and i'm losing weight!). It's really, really hot. But not too humid. It's expensive- in fact the euro is beating the dollar 2 to 1 right now (yikes! no wonder i'm not eating out!). There's so much to see...on top of taking 4 classes...i feel like i can't see very much. But what i have seen has been pretty amazing. (more pictures here!)
I highly recommend the Reina Sofia museum of modern art. Picasso's Guernica is amazing. I still have yet to go to the Prado, eat churros, and see a flamenco show. But there's 2 weeks left. We'll see if im not too tired to do it all.
Speaking of being tired...yeah, i'm off to bed now.

Ole! Pamplona!

2007-07-08T11:29:00.000-05:00

Let me tell you, this is the craziest thing i've ever seen. Over 2 million people are trying to cram along the narrow streets to see some cows and dumb people run by. But it is one of those things you're supposed to see at least once in your life. I've done it...i think next time i'll try to go to some hammer-throwing festival in Norway. Less (drunk) people, i would think.
The video is coming soon, along with more pics from a friend's camera.

Photos!

Pictures of Madrid

2007-07-04T16:48:00.001-05:00

Plaza Mayor

Food

You can see them all on Facebook...
Part 1

Part 2

June has only 30 days

2007-07-04T16:48:00.000-05:00

I have learned my lesson and learned it well. June does NOT have 31 days. Why do i say this? Because i knew i was leaving for Madrid on July 1. I just thought i had one more day to run around Germany, see Frankfurt, and prepare to leave. Nope. I was wrong. I think it was the clerk at the hotel that tipped me off. He said something about me putting the wrong date on the paperwork. "What? Today is July 1st?" And I realized that it was 1130 in the morning. My flight left 4 hours ago. Oh crap.
Run to the airport....buy another ticket...have to say bye to Mark so suddenly...have to sit alone in the airport for 5 hours...have to wait through delays because of rain...have to take a taxi...have to fight the ladies at the dorm to let me have my room (in spanish, of course)....have to wake up 5 hours later... and have no friends here.... ACK!
But it's okay. It really is. I found friends here who will make my life much more enjoyable. I have classes to keep me (too) busy. I have a whole city to explore....for a month.

i get around

2007-06-20T11:01:00.000-05:00

June 15- NYC to Iceland
June 16-Iceland to Frankfurt to Berlin
June 18-Prague
June 20-Vienna

oh yes, it's been smashing. I will upload pictures. Really. and some funny stories about languages that i can't speak.

Thus it begins...

2007-06-12T14:31:00.000-05:00

In approximately 16 hrs, i will begin another epic journey... travel to Germany, Czech Republic, Austria, and Spain. I'll be gone for 2 months, longer than i've ever been away. I'm excited. It's a new challenge, a new adventure. I'm not escaping life here, i just have the opportunity to live my life in a new place. I'll get to check a couple of things off the "travel to-do list"... which, to me, is accomplishing something, moving forward, making progress on some level.
So thus it begins and my blog becomes, once more, a travel journal. Be looking for pictures...

Heart of Darkness

2007-06-03T13:44:00.000-05:00

Here's another book analysis for you: Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness. In this novel, a sailor, Marlow, tells his shipmates about his adventures on the Congo River in Africa. He is the captain of a riverboat, but spends most of his time on land repairing his ship and dealing with the inefficient bureacracy of the colonial forces that are governing the land. However, his most remarkable experience is travelling upriver to find a man named Kurtz, who was employed by the same company as Marlow and has been involved in the ivory trade. All Marlow's employer wants is the ivory, but Marlow himself is fascinated by Kurtz. When, through a series of misadventures, they reach Kurtz's settlement, he is dying of fever, but they find that all the natives love him, he is somewhat of a ruler, or at least a treasured member of their community. In the end, they take Kurtz and the ivory away, the employer gets rich from the ivory, Kurtz dies;, his last words are, "The horror! The horror!", and Marlow survives to tell the story.
What does this rather depressing story mean? Well, something rather depressing, actually. The colonialist forces, as represented by the manager of the company and the bureacracy, are in charge...and they win in the end. Marlow seems to be a representation of humanity, he realizes that the "savages" are humans and is always focused on people in the story. Perhaps, rather, he is just a good judge of character, who recognizes truth and justice or the lack thereof. Kurtz can be seen as a representation of ideas or idealism. i think this is somewhat seen in the line, "all of Europe went into the making of Kurtz", and he is educated, an influential speaker, and a writer. He had some rather strange ideas, that Marlow had seen in his writings, and ideas that at times seemed contradictory. However, his ideas seem to have become refined in the wilderness, and he was on the verge of great things...but his life was cut short by sickness. (interesting how Kurtz sounds like the german word for breif (Kurz)). Perhaps, if he had more time, had not been influenced by the colonialists to work as much, ect., would he have done more? He was despised by the company, but though Marlow is made uneasy by him, he is admired by both Marlow, his friends, and the natives. Could we be looking at idealism stifled by the horror of reality? Which only leads me to more questions. Are ideas always smothered by reality? Is there any hope for new ideas and radical thinkers? Will greed/capitalism always win? Everyone is looking out for themselves. Maybe there is a connexion in The Savage's statement from Brave New World...that is, "If you had God, you'd have a reason for self denial", and he also mentions chastity and independent thinking, and the world ruler responds, "But industrial civilization is only possible when there's no self denial". And in that book, too, the hero (The Savage) dies. But that's because he wouldn't be left alone, though that was all he wanted, to be alone with God. He hung himself so that he could be alone in peace with God, without the debauchery of his society to distract him. But this again leads to more problems and questions...again, are all the "idealistic" notions of self-denial, chastity, God, ect., incompatable with society, with other people, with government? So as not to leave on such a depressing note, i'm going to give a bit of an answer. As Christians, we are called to continue obediently under Christ, called to suffer, called to disciple the ends of the earth. So there are a couple of possibilities. 1) The "ideas" are not incompatible, that's why we're supposed to "do" all this stuff. 2) The "ideas" are incompatible with the world. But we continue to obey, we suffer anyway...but our home is not here anyway, our hope is in an undying Savior, and our future is in a new heaven and earth, where corruption is gone, where God's perfection is evident.
Now i must cease before i launch my psyche into a complete existential crisis.:)

Am I a bad person?

2007-05-28T22:11:00.000-05:00

All these silly email forwards. Pray for the soldiers... look out for the kidnapped kids... read this touching little anecdote... and whatever you do, DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! SEND IT ON!
And what do i do? DELETE IT JUST BECAUSE YOU SAID NOT TO!!!
am i a bad person?

By Jove, I love literary critique

2007-05-23T20:37:00.000-05:00

Yesterday i felt my intellectual side strangely, abruptly, and welcomely awakened. I read The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka. Yes, yesterday. All of it. It's not that long. Anyhow, my speed reading-talents are beside the point. The point is, i read it, enjoyed it, and now, shall attempt to give you my breif synopsis and critique. Ahem. So, Gregor Samsa awakes one morning to find himself transformed into "a monstrous vermin". This opening is so comical...or weird, whatever.

So, that picture may give you an idea of what to expect. Yes, the poor boy has turned into a bug. He has some trouble getting up, as you might imagine, and can't work anymore, is quite a fright to his family, and only his sister, Grete, looks after him. She gives him food, cleans his room, and tries to make him comfortable...for awhile. She, though only a young girl, has to go to work, along with the parents. Eventually, Gregor completely gives up hope, his family can't stand him anymore, and he dies. Then the family recovers, and the conclustion of the little novel gives us the hope that they will now live a comfortable and happy life.
So what is the point? The interpretations range from sexual to marxist. I kinda liked the marxist one actually. It claims that Gregor's work has taken all the humanity out of him, and it eventually kills him. Darned capitalism - sucks the life right out of ya (well, actually it does...but later) However, there's a problem. He no longer works after the transformation. If it were really the work that killed him, he'd have to keep doing it, and he'd regain his humanity once he stops working. Thanks to Mark i've been thinking on another way to look at this work. There are about 5 aspects we really need to live fully - spiritual, emotional, intellectual, social, physical. (If you want to read more...go over here. Now, it's pretty obvious in reading the story that Gregor's humanity - as represented by his body and even clearly seen in his emotions and actions - is gone. Why? He was completely absorbed in his own little world of work, money, providing for his family, ect., that he deprived himself of any emotional, social, spiritual, or even intellectual life. He's physically running around like crazy and working hard, but he's just a machine. Once this process starts, he becomes the "vermin". But what was he so deprived of that he actually died? Well, again, he's obviously deprived of his physical body. He can't do things anymore. He can't sleep in his bed, leave the house, or anything human except sit in an armchair and look out the window. He's socially outcast, he can't communicate with his family, and all his attempts to do so are grossly misinterpreted, so badly that his father starts throwing apples at him...one apple sticks in his exoskeleton and begins to rot. Ew. Anyway, his intellectual activity begins to wane. He acts more and more like an insect. He crawls around on the ceiling and begins to eat rotten food. His emotions are still around more or less, but they are only those of longing and disappointment, never fulfillment. As for the spiritual, some may argue that there's some in Metamorphosis, but it's all tied up in symbols. So i'm just gonna go with basically no spiritual activity in Gregor's life. So, he loses his humanity because of his complete isolation from any of these, and it only gets worse. Eventually, his sister starts to play violin, and this seems to wake him up from his animal-like state. The music causes him to come out of his room and try to talk to his family. It doesn't work. They, who have now begun to live a life of reckless activity since Gregor's transformation, are now isolated and do not understand the human part of him trying to communicate. Gregor loses all hope - he sees that he cannot gain the 5 areas back. The quickest way to die is to physically deprive yourself. So Gregor does. And he does die.
But the family, immediately upon his death, regain their hope. They realize that they can now move to a new place...they can stop worrying about Gregor... they don't have to work... they can move on with their lives, and stop isolating themselves because of shame at Gregor's appearance. They have their humanity. This makes them want to participate in a full life. They decide to leave the house. They are no longer isolated. They begin to re-expose themselves to the 5 aspects. They are glad...they have hope. My point? This whole 5 aspects idea has meat to it. And reading + thinking + writing = oh so much fun.

Curious...this is fun.

What i learned at CHURCH!

2007-05-13T21:05:00.000-05:00

I know. I learned something at church! I'm amazed. Sunday school lesson: Numbers 12. Moses. As my sunday school teacher presented it, Moses has a wife from Cush (aka Ethopia), and Miriam and Aaron are fussing at him. Why can't the leader of the Jews get a wife from his own race? Noo, she's from Ethiopia. But Moses is different and he likes it that way. Anyhow, humility was actually the point of the lesson. Miriam was struck leprous for "dissing" Moses...and what did he do? Did he say, "That's what happens when you rebel against me! What were you thinking, sis? God chose me for cryin' out loud!" Nope. He said, "O God, heal her--please." And God says okay, but shut her out of the camp for seven days. And Moses didn't lead the people on until she came back. Then we talked at the end about how Moses could be so humble. It's because he saw God face to face. I think i'd fade from my own view if i saw God. How could i not be blown away and humbled? Then he mentioned our way of "sorta seeing God face to face".
"How many of you just treat prayer as 'transition time'?"
What? Do i? I wake up, say "oh, i need to get straight, time to transition" and then i read and pray. Wow, yeah, i do!
But prayer isn't that at all. Prayer is our chance to talk with our creator, face to face, to stand in awe of Him, recieve His love, and sit at His feet. How could i describe talking to God? It should be so much more than "MY transition time". It doesn't have to be long... remember the tax collector? "Oh God! Be merciful to me, a sinner!" but perhaps if you have a bit more energy... Solomon prayed a great prayer
Lord, may i never take speaking to You for granted.

I just couldn't take it...

2007-04-29T10:26:00.000-05:00

I tried to go to church today. I really did. I got up, showered, dressed... i even got there. I talked with people. I ate the (wonderful) strawberry and blueberry muffins my sunday school teacher made. But that wasn't all that happened. First, some ladies i was talking to made reference to the clothes that some people have started wearing (jeans? shorts? t-shirts in the presence of God? no!) and i made one of the weaker arguments..."it's our hearts anyways, right?" and one of the ladies said, "oh, i suppose they should do it while they can... high school and college i mean. Because they won't be doing that once they really understand and live life a little bit!" WHAT? Okay, okay, maybe life does straighten you out and make you a bit more serious. "Well, who knows" said i. "It's my generation that's coming up next. Perhaps we'll just do things differently. Perhaps the church will change." (this was me entering my dreamy world, desiring for the church to return to the gospel and the love of Christ, not really expecting a response). But i got a response anyway... "well, i think your generation will change, and the church will be the way it is now, the way it's always been, the way it should be!"
OUCH! auh! my poor, progressive, idealistic mind crumpled in pain.
But somehow i survived, and actually enjoyed the sunday school lesson. I was of course, fuming about the state of the church, the legalism of believers, their inability to accept my "new, true ideas" (note i was thinking they were mine. or even new. First error...) We were talking about Jonah, and i was listening and thinking at the same time, so much of the lesson escaped me. But one thing the teacher said caught my attention. No, it wasn't straight out of a passage in scripture. But it challenged me. "What is it that you are not willing to do?"
Yet i still left immediately after sunday school. I was still frustrated. I knew it would get worse if i stayed. I had to get out. I had to take to heart the one sentence that had actually challenged me before i was too angry to remember it. I had to think.
I have been unwilling to give of myself. I tried, it was rejected, i take it to heart and say, "fine, if you don't want me, i'm gone". I was not willing to give up my pride and work in the church anyway. Maybe they're not listening. But they're not supposed to listen to me... but to God. Am i listening to God? I know it's not wrong for me to long for a church and ministry in which i am understood and i enjoy. But do i have any excuse not to serve God precisely where i am? no, i do not.

ART!

2007-04-28T18:25:00.000-05:00

I made it downtown for the Sidewalk Arts Festival today. Here's a sampling:

Woohoo! Psychadelic turtles!

Yes, dinosaurs do fight robots on occasion.

Oookay..

No dude, really, check it out, this eye's a different colour!

Two giraffes

That would be a dirigible, sir.

Now what would a port city be without pirates?

Or...crazed...squirrels...?

Encyclopaedias...

2007-04-21T01:01:00.000-05:00

I found a new use for encyclopaedias tonight. That is, namely, using nine of them to hold up my oh-so-cheap new webcam that doesn't have a clip to hold it onto my laptop. But it worked. And i just remembered when we first got all those books... i think my grandmother gave them to us when dad was still in med school. They were all in a huge box in the balcony outside our apartment. I think i was 5 or 6 at the time. I was SO excited about all the "big books". Mom took full advantage of that. If I was good and looked after Carson all day, then we could take out a new book every night. Somehow Carson got all excited about it too, so he was good... and i got a new book full of new information every night! and mom got about a month of good behaviour...by offering us encyclopaedias.
Wow, was i a weird child.

consolation prize

2007-03-31T16:16:00.000-05:00

since youtube took the other one down for "copyright reasons", here's a much shorter but also very funny clip (with a couple of things not seen in the previous version)
enjoy.

Comedy

2007-03-22T20:57:00.000-05:00

Christine and i watched this the other night... i found it on youtube and found it necessary to share the hilarity.

Hellooo out there

2007-03-20T12:44:00.000-05:00

Just sitting here waiting for class to start... thought i'd check my little map thing to see where my readers are coming from. And now i'm ready to travel again. Everywhere. Anywhere. Soon, soon i'll be back out in the great wild yonder. 3 months... and i'll be back in Europe. And speaking of Europe, i'd like to give a shout out to the chicks in Italy, Tori and Kaitlen (yes, somebody checked from what, Milan? i noticed...). I hope you guys are having a marvelous time.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about "calling" and "missions" lately (due to conversations spurred on by this guy)and i think i'll save the details of my thoughts on that for when i have more time, but i really do think that travelling is a big part of whatever i'm doing here on the earth. There's a reason why i do it, and i don't think of it so much of an end in itself but rather a means. Travel is only the journey (proverbially and literally) that is leading to something. That something probably being knowing everything... but really, travel is a big tool to learning more and understanding the world: seeing art, architecture, food, music, sights, smells, culture (and that's another really broad one for another time).
So i guess most of you knew i thought that way about travel... but i'm curious... are there other reasons out there? (answer i think is yes, but really, tell me...), or, on the other hand, what are some reasons people don't travel?
Okay, focusing on school now, really...

The Thinker's Lord's Prayer

2007-02-17T19:59:00.000-05:00

I often catch myself praying in a really similar manner to this one. Good luck keeping up.

Our father, who art in heaven.
Our? why do we say our? isn't it just me praying? hmm... but maybe not, this could be prayed in a communal prayer type thing. okay.
Father. okay, father... why do we use father? Ah, okay, joint heirs with christ perhaps.
who art...
now, why is that verb conjugated that way? Shouldnt it be is, you know, singular? Father... is ... but maybe that is correct. I just learned it wrong. okay, okay...
Heaven. You are in heaven. But aren't you also everywhere...but your presence is concentrated there, fully known there. alright. Where is heaven anyway? If i went far enough could i find it? Is it in another dimension-type thingy? Ah! stop it! i'm praying...
Hallowed be thy name.
Hallowed. Now that just sounds creepy. Makes me think of halloween. Like jack-o-lanterns. Scary stuff my parents warned me about. but i know that's not what it means. Revered, glorified. okay.
Be thy name. Let's say YOUR name. Much better. Glorified be your name. What is your name? Don't you have a lot of those? Jesus, Yaweh, Jehovah, I AM? augh...sorry...
Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.
Ah, this shouldnt be so bad. But wait? Kingdom? What is that? The physical kingdom you will have on earth? The attributes of you/ your kingship? Your kingdom...oh, gosh, well, it's got to be a good thing, so, yeah, may it come...
and your will?
don't get me started there... your will? What is that? that all men may know you? That you be worshipped by every nation, tribe and tongue? That you be glorified by all creation? But how can i even think about that, when i've got so many things and am often so worried about your will for me...today? Ah, golly, how selfish i am...your will? Well, may it be done.
On earth as it is in heaven.
yes, heaven...wherever it is, i can get there through you. And i'm here on earth because of you. And there's a reason for that. Okay, may your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
Yes, i think that means give us (hmm, that "us" again...) what we need. Yes... what do i need? I need food. I need sleep. I need love. I need you. I think it can stop there... wait... i need adventure, i need to learn, i need...no, stop... you know what i need...mostly for my brain to slow down... ah! help.
And day? what does day mean? I don't know greek...well, maybe a couple of things, but not biblical greek. And don't even get me started about that in the hebrew...
And bread...yeah, i like bread. Do we need to go into the body of christ and all the other metaphors for bread? No, i didnt think so.
And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.
Ah, this i can agree with. Wait. I have to forgive too...okay, well, that isn't so hard, i mean, forgiving is alright, but does that include the "forgetting" that we are often told goes with it? I don't remember "Forgive and Forget" anywhere in the bible. But maybe i'm wrong. Yes, please forgive me, and give me the strength to forgive, for i have been forgiven of so much.
And do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
Yes, please don't do that. Gosh. But i am told that you do not tempt...but you do test us... also that the devil is like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Deliver me...what does that mean? Does it NOT mean "give me the strength to hold out" and just straight-up "get me outta here"? but i know we are given the strength to endure...and Daniel was delivered from the lion's den, even though he had to stay in there all night, it did end... ah, gosh, again, deliver me from evil.
Evil..oh, yeah, evil. What is evil anyway? Are we talking about the devil here? or just evil? Do i need to get philosophical with this? I will anyway. What is it? Let's think in terms of Platonism. There can't be pure evil, because there is no form of evil. Evil must only be a deficient of the good. So it is weak. Ah, but it is not, we see it rampant everywhere we look.... deliver me, indeed.
For thine is the kingdom and the glory and the power forever...
kingdom again...and glory... glory... yes, i can agree, you are glorious. All that you have done is truly glorious...though i do not confess to understand. And power.. yes, perhaps it is not seen in all its fullness, but i acknowledge that you are most high, most powerful. Forever. Ah, does that mean for all of time or outside of time? Is time completely arbitrary? How do you see time? well, okay, forever. Ah Lord, help me.
Amen...um.. no, i'm done.

Why NOT to let a guy open the door...

2007-02-08T20:05:00.000-05:00

I'm sure you've seen one of these on the top of doors... we have them at my university.
Anyhow, i was walking towards the parking lot with some of my friends, and i was at the front of the procession with my friend Michael. Well, we came to a door, and he kindly opened it for me....but very, very fast and with a lot of force. Well, that top hinge and actually detached from the door..and it swang quite fast...into my forehead.
Well, we had quite a laugh about that. That is, after i stopped seeing stars. Now i have a bruise on my eyebrow. I'm just glad it didn't smash my glasses.
But i will be cautious the next time a dude opens the door for me.

What's happening to me?

2007-02-03T13:40:00.000-05:00

What is happening to me? I used to be so diligent. I'd have all the paper's written weeks ahead of time. I'd start studying for the tests two weeks early. I'd be SO on top of things.
But now? I'd rather procrastinate to the last second. I'm so bored most of the time... and i'd rather do fun things than sit and do work. Heck, I'd rather sleep than do some of this homework.
I think I remember this happening in my last year of high school. Since this is my last year at university, I shouldn't be surprised. But i wonder if my priorities have changed. Schoolwork used to be EVERYTHING. Now it's a drudgery. And i dunno if this is good or bad. I do want to enjoy my work, but not at the expense of "having a life". I want to honor God through my work by doing my best, but my heart is no longer in it. Well, at least i'll graduate in 11 months. But until then...how to make work more enjoyable? Or to deal with it better? Or discipline myself? I'm open to suggestions. Okay. Now to write a paper. Nah. I'll eat lunch first...

this one's about ministry...surprising...

2007-01-28T19:05:00.000-05:00

I've signed up to take a class at the Baptist centre on campus this semester, called "Perspectives in the World Christian Movement", basically, an intro to missions class. I immensely enjoyed the first week and am looking forward to more tomorrow night. Just a few thoughts on what i've learned/remembered/was challenged about in the readings for this week.
'In Genesis 12:2-3, God promises [to Abraham]First, "I will make you a great nation", second, "I will bless you", third, "I will make your name great", but this is immediately followed by a purpose clause. It is "so that you may be a blessing." (Kaiser)
This statement challenged me once again to look around at all i have been blessed with, and made me remember that "to whom much is given, much is expected" as we often hear, but rarely put into practice. I should attempt to love everyone as much as God does... and be a blessing to everyone i encounter.
'The devil is not a red monster with a pitchfork, but often a do-gooder. His goal in life is to counterfeit the works of God. This has been his prized ambition ever since he went into business for himself. His first recorded intention ended with the words, "I will be like the Most High" (Isa. 14:14). This counterfeiting effort is his most effective ploy, for the more closely he can imitate God's work, the less likely will men be inclined to seek God or pursue His will.' (Ellisen)
Let's be sure we don't settle for "good" things, as Satan would love for us to do. I know so many things often look good, or good enough, or maybe just easier. We've got to be careful, and seek God with all our heart.
'Some of us refuse to identify with the people we claim to be serving. We remain ourselves, and do not become like them. We stay aloof. We hold on desperately to our own cultural inheritance in the mistaken notion that it is an indispensable part of our identity. We are unwilling to let it go...but this was not the way of Christ, who emptied himself of his glory and humbled himself to serve.' (Stott)
I just kinda said "ouch" to that one. It's difficult for me to love others enough to humble myself and serve them, to speak on their level, to leave my "comfort zone" and step out to share Christ's love. Like i mentioned a moment earlier, it's easier, good enough, to invite people to church, but not take the time to talk, listen, or pray with a broken heart for their salvation.
Lord, teach me to love others as you do, to obey your command to Love the Lord my God with all you heart, soul , mind, and strength...and my neighbor as myself.

Where do i go from here?

2007-01-26T19:55:00.000-05:00

Life's been slightly stressful this week. I haven't really had a chance to slow down, in addition to school and my everyday life, i've been studying for the Medical College Admissions Test. I'm taking that this Saturday morning... and it's easy to get stressed out. It is a huge test. It will test my knowledge from my past 4 years of school, specifically over sciences. If i do well, my admission to medical school is almost guaranteed... and if i do badly, well, i suppose i'll just take it again. It's easy to get stressed out, especially since i'm pursuing what i think is God's plan for my life... and then there's this huge test, and nothing further can happen (as far as my plans of becoming a doctor) until i get my results.
But even then, i have no reason to really worry. If this is God's plan, I'll do fine. And if not, He'll show me what to do from here. He won't leave me hanging. Although i know that, i need a little extra prayer and encouragement... and thanks to everyone who's praying for me, and here's the encouragement i found in Scripture today:

May God be gracious to us and bless us,
and make his face shine upon us,
that your way may be known on earth,
your saving power among all nations.
Let the peoples praise You, O God;
let all the peoples praise You!
Let the nations be glad and sing for joy
for you judge the peoples with equity
and guide the nations upon earth.
Let the peoples praise You, O God;
let all the peoples praise You!
The earth has yielded its increase;
God, our God, shall bless us.
God shall bless us;
let all the ends of the earth fear Him!
(Psalm 67)

I should listen to music more often

2007-01-22T13:41:00.000-05:00

Not that i don't listen to music often in the first place. I love it. But i better express my emotions when music is around me. I've gotta stop stuffing things inside, and cry out without fear or self-conciousness. Here's one of those heartfelt songs by Sixpence None the Richer.

"I Need Love"

I left my conscience like a crying child
locked the door behind me put the pain on file
broken like a window i see my blindness now

i need love
not some sentimental prison
i need god
not the political church
i need fire
to melt the frozen sea inside me
i need love

driving into town tired and depressed
like a flare the streetlight bursts into an s.o.s.
peace comes to my rescue and i don't know what it means
i need love

Maybe this'll make it worthwile...

2007-01-19T23:48:00.000-05:00

Now, this is the kinda thing that encourages me to finish up my homework... and go to med school...and torture my brain for the next, well, forever. But at least the next 4 years.

May the "the good old days" R.I.P

2007-01-12T16:06:00.000-05:00

I went out to lunch with my dear friend Nancy today, and of course, we sat around and talked for quite a while afterwards. We've gone to the same church pretty much forever... so the topic of the "good old days" naturally came up. These "days" include middle and most of high school for me... and so often i don't even think about "back then" until someone brings it up. So i try to think about myself 5 years ago... (cringe?)... well, at least, i'm definately not going to post a picture. And i know i'm still young, but man, the things i've learned... the ways i've changed... i think of the people i was once so close to, and how many of them have moved on, but the real friends who stayed. I think about who i wanted to be, where i wanted to go, and honestly, things haven't changed too drastically. But i can honestly say that i didn't think i'd be who i am now, or go to the places i've been to, or experience what i've gone through. I can remember my biggest life goal was to get those confounded braces off my teeth. I remember wanting to be a veterinarian and living by myself way out in the country. (Oh, okay, so maybe i have changed drastically...) But now i'm pursuing a medical career, but with openness to God's plan instead of being so dead-set on mine, because i've seen mine fall through. Now i'm learning to love others, and not shut them out. And now i'm trying to find a way to minister where i am instead of hiding myself away. It's taken time, but God has so graciously guided me through life, and i praise him for that. My childhood and teenage years i can look back on fondly, though not without a shake of the head and laughter at myself. But i don't think i'm the only one.. anyone care to think back a few years... tell about yourself back then, and compare/contrast to now? What are some lessons you've learned?
But despite all the fond memories and lessons learned, i can say this: "May the good old days Rest In Peace."

My Favorite Hymn

2007-01-08T17:57:00.000-05:00

My favorite hymn is a rather old one, and to me it speaks of Christ being our all. I love to sing it, especially in times when i'm simply confused, and don't know the answers. I also like to sing it when he has richly blessed me, just to remind myself that he is all. Here it is:
Be Thou My Vision
Be Thou my vision, Oh Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me save that Thou art
Thou my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping thy prescence my light

Riches I heed not nor man's empty praise
Thou my inheritance now and always
Thou and thou only first in my heart
High King of heaven, my treasure Thou art

Be Thou my vision and Thou my true word
I ever with Thee and Thou with me Lord
Thou my great Father and I Thy true son
Thou in me dwelling and I with Thee one

High King of heaven my victory won
May I reach heaven's joys, bright heaven's Sun
Heart of my own heart whatever befall
Still be my vision oh ruler of all

One of the speakers at Passion this past week made me think of this song. He mentioned that most of us really don't want to know God's plan for our lives. It would probably freak us out... we'd be worried that He'd call us to go live in a mud hut in Africa, speak to someone that we really would rather not notice, or be broken more than we want to risk. We'd rather look to our plan for our lives, our family's plan for our lives, or our boss's plan for our lives. But the vision of humans is so limited, and though it may fulfill us for awhile, I for one do not want to come to the end of my days and realize that I missed it. That God would have done amazing things if i had not been so stubborn and relied on the vision of man. So with that, i pray with all my heart, "Be THOU my vision".

The Return...

2007-01-06T11:55:00.000-05:00

Wow, the holidays are over.. starting monday... Christmas was great, though no snow (gosh, you aussies, it's summer there!). Passion conference was, for lack of a more stunning adjective, awesome. I learned so much, not just the fluffy stuff- but practical things. I was also encouraged so much, it was like a breath of fresh air.. perhaps the inhale before the big plunge back into my "real life" with school, family, and everything. I've gotta buy textbooks and get things in order today, as well as hang out with peeps before they head back to their respective universities. So hopefully i'll have time soon to write in more detail about what's been going on with me... i'll have you know, it was tough being without internet for 2 weeks... i've missed you guys.

Christmas time is here...

2006-12-21T12:35:00.000-05:00

Is Christmas really 4 days away? I'm afraid i haven't been feeling too much holiday spirit. Perhaps it's cause the family is kinda crazy these days... everyone has something to do, and though the tree is up, there's no christmas CDs going, and though there's presents under the tree, two of the brothers have birthdays: Austin turned 6 yesterday, and Luke... well, he'll be 11 on... Christmas day itself. And i have to admit, it's hard to feel all Christmasy when one can wear a short sleeve shirt outside. 22 C today. Gosh. Guess it's a northern hemisphere thing...we want Christmas cold! And snow! But alas, i live in one of the warmest parts of the US of A. It's never really cold. I've never seen a white Christmas (which may shock those of you in the north and upper midwest), but this is Georgia for ya.
But this is silliness... why complain? As we all know, Christ was born in Israel, though probably not on December 25. And it's only a little colder there. And they certainly won't be seeing snow. In fact, most of the world won't be seeing snow this Christmas. (insert global warming joke here?) It seem's i've bought in to our dreamy, fantastical version of Christmas. Blame it on Hollywood. Christmases are always white, magical, and an amazing time of family and when the world is perfect again. But it's not.... life's not like that. And though Christmas is an amazing time for family, it takes effort to keep it that way. So make time for those Christmas CDs. And Merry Christmas to all.

100th post!

2006-12-17T22:24:00.000-05:00

This is my 100th post... 'tis a milestone for me. So i surmise that i should write on something worthy of such an occasion.
Maybe not. Brain's blank..
But what have i been up to now that school's out? Well, catching up on sleep for one thing. Studying for the MCAT for another. And daydreaming. It's been awhile since i've done that, allowed myself to be spirited away by thoughts, just laying out in the grass, thinking, imagining, dreaming. It's very refreshing. We all need times like that every now and agian... and these next few weeks should do it for me. A chance to do what i want (well, and even some things i really don't want to do). I've been so overwhelmed with my academics that it's been difficult to slow down, to really care about things that matter. Not that academic excellence doesn't matter, of course it does. But there really is more to life. There's bike riding 8 miles at the beach with my dad on a Tuesday afternoon. There's chilling with my bro and his girlfriend home from university.
There's taking Christmas pics of my family... and getting candid shots when they're least expecting it...
There's going to church in jeans with my best friend and being looked at like we're rebels. There's reading Jane Austen outside on an autumn day. There's chatting with folks far away into the late hours of the night. There's time to just stop by a friend's workplace to say, "how are you?". There's time to drink a cup of tea. Time to enjoy it all.
Why did i not MAKE time for all this earlier?
Take a deep breath. Take the time. And keep me accountable and remind me of this once i get all stressed out again.

Dreams make life...

2006-12-12T23:36:00.000-05:00

So, i have more or less recovered from finals and become my usual self. As i was driving through town today, i noticed a sign outside a business: "Dreams make life tolerable." WHAT!? This was supposed to be a good day? Man, how discouraging. A life that is merely tolerable... i don't know if i could deal with that, day in, day out. Each day. Tolerable.

I can just imagine:
Bob: "Hey Jim, how are you doing today?"
Jim: "Well, ya know, i'm tolerating."
Bob: "Yeah, me too, these dreams of mine make it tolerable. See you tomorrow."

But as cynical as i am towards this, perhaps there is a bit of truth. Yeah, maybe dreams make life "tolerable". But (as someone mentioned the other day)...Christ said... "I have come that they may have life, and have it more abundantly" (John 10:10). I am so blessed to know Him, and the mercy and grace he gives in my life make it so much more than tolerable, even when it really stinks sometimes. It is an abundant life, walking with Him, knowing Him, living out His will for my life. With Christ, i can smile. Even when it's raining. Even when i fail. Even when i have no dreams left. HE gives me life. Life more abundantly.

F-finals are o-over...

2006-12-11T11:34:00.000-05:00

Whoa.. am i really done?!? is the semester and the dreaded O. Chem final really over? Wow, i think it is. But my brain is a total mush. Give me a few hours to recoop. Then i think i'll have a thing or two to write about. What's the best way to recover from the complete brain-drain of finals?

Gee, i hope i pass this class.

2006-12-10T23:58:00.000-05:00

I never thought i'd say that. But i will be DONE with O.Chem 2 in 12 hours. Pray hard people. So until then... more studying.